It’s almost that time again: back to school. That means moving into your dorm or house, destroying your nonexistent credit with useless gadgets like blacklights and lava lamps, and lots of parental bullstuff. Mothers are expected to cry and whine about their baby leaving home and growing up, but dads have the potential to be far more embarrassing, mostly because you wouldn’t expect it from them. Don’t believe me? Check out our 5 types of embarrassing dads.
Single and Ready to Mingle Dad
I’ve actually had a run-in with this type of father. My friend’s dad, a single, laidback fisherman type, came up to visit him for a bunch of days. He was the man. He got hammered with us, puffed an L with us, watched Cops with us, ordered mad pies of pizza, and then crashed on the living room couch…for 3 days. Everyone in the house loved him…except for his son, who wanted nothing more than to see him get a hotel room and leave us alone. The only way it could have gotten more embarrassing: if his pops hooked up with a coed. Go dad!
Debbie-Downer Dad
This one hits close to home, because this is my father. He only comes to move you in or out of college, but he’s got a lot of negative things to say while he’s there. “These are the conditions you’re living in?” or “Better make the best of this because it only gets worse from here” or “have fun but beware of herpes.” The worst part is that he saves the most embarrassing lines for your entire house: “You guys should watch out for bedbugs, they’re everywhere these days.” Luckily, he wants to get in and out of that house as fast as possible to avoid an asthma attack, so you’ll only have to deal with embarrassment for an hour or two.
Bitch Dad
Yet another father I have personal experience dealing with. He comes up with the whole family and basically keeps his trap shut the entire time. Why? Because his controlling wife is busy doing all the talking. She commands, and he does as he’s told. She talks to all the housemates about their personal lives, schoolwork, etc., and he just stands and nods – or better yet, is moving crap in and out of the house. Let’s face it: Mom wears the pants in that relationship. While he’s not the most actively embarrassing dad, he’s always passively embarrassing because he’s had his manhood stripped away over 25 years of verbal abuse.
Magician/Clown Father
While I don’t know any of these, I do know that they’re out there, because I watch MTV True Life, and there’s an episode about that stuff. I can’t imagine anything worse than having your professional magician/clown parents visit you at school. Those people get super wrapped up in their lifestyle, and don’t realize that their kids hate everything they do, and no self-respecting 21-year-old finds it funny…unless you’re really, really high. Even then it makes for super awkward situations. I feel really bad for any college student dealing with parents like these, whether it’s your parents or someone else’s.
Hairy, Naked Father
This one is special because it really only applies to commuters who live at home with their parents. Imagine you bring a girl from class back home in an attempt to make a move, and your dad is outside watering the plants in his underwear…gross. Even worse, he’s wearing a sweater made of his own body hair. Why is it that the hairiest fathers are always the most naked? If someone could explain this phenomenon, I’d appreciate it. It could potentially get worse – imagine when the girl leaves the next morning to find your pops sipping coffee in the kitchen, in his tightie-whities, his boner up and out for all to see.
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