Besides the 4th of July, obviously the most important holiday in American (World?) history, there’s really nothing particularly important to celebrate in summer. That’s why the Founding Fathers got together and came up with a whole bunch of random days. Labor Day is the celebration of labor, or not doing labor, or something. All we know is it has something to do with Labor and you can’t wear white again until Memorial Day. Either way, Monday Off means all-weekend party, and the Beer-B-Q has to be getting stale, so Campus Socialite is here with 5 Party Themes, specifically for labor day. Read up, and if you decide to try one, please send me pictures.
Standard: The White Party
Everyone’s heard of the P.Diddy White Party. What better way to celebrate the temporary death of a color than an entire house full of people going balls to the wall, decked out in it. There’s not many guys in college that own white pants, but girls definitely do, and really that is all that is important. Enforce the rule like a tyrant and stock mostly clear liquors and clear chasers. Cranberry juice is a horrible idea. Then, when the room is packed with enough girls wearing white and everyone’s drunk enough, break out the hose. Best night of your life.
Kinda Ridiculous: Construction Workers
You’ve been sweltering all summer in your jeans and button down. Time to give yourself a break. Everyone wears wife-beaters, work pants, and Hard Hats. For best results, haphazardly hang some metal planks from your ceiling with old rope. This will keep everyone in full costume, and i’m no lawyer but as long as you have a sign that says “Hard Hats Must Be Worn,” I’m almost positive you can’t be sued. Only Natty Light, PBR, and other beers of equally low stature are allowed. It might sound weird, but judging by all the “Chilean Miner” costumes I saw last Halloween, girls look surprisingly cute in Hard Hats.
Just Ridiculous: All-American Party
A lot of countries have Independence Days, and some even have Thanksgiving. There’s something about Labor Day though that seems to me to be exclusively American. Amass a whole night’s supply of Budweiser, Jack Daniels and McDonald’s Apple Pies. If you see anyone drinking Vodka, tell them this is America, and if they don’t like it they can go back to Russia. Everyone wears Red, White and/or Blue. Simple enough. Country Music works, but so does Springsteen, Bon Jovi or anyone else from New Jersey. If you have any leftover Fireworks, now’s the time to use them.
Very Ridiculous: Communist Party
Nobody knows Labor like those Pinko Reds. No Vodka is allowed at the All-American Party, but now we’ve jumped to the other side of the Iron Curtain. That means Vodka, Vodka and more Vodka. Mix it with cranberry for the full red effect, but no Cosmos, because that is just Western Capitalist decadence. Everyone wears red too, and beards and moustaches get extra points. Best part, no matter what your social status, every guy gets to make out with every girl at least once. Equality for all. Karl would be proud.
Extremely Ridiculous: The Sweat Shop Party
Now we get into the real down and dirty of the labor world. Back in the old days of the American Labor Force, people of all ages packed themselves into factories for 15 hours a day. The idea is simple. Pack as many people into your house as possible, doesn’t matter if you know them or not. Then lock the doors and shut off the air conditioning. It might be uncomfortable at first, but they’ll get used to it. Set up a room full of cots for everyone to sleep on, because nobody gets in or out until the “shift” is done. Scraps of day-old bread make great appetizers, and Bathtub Gin and watered down Whiskey will be your alcohol. No human contact that is unnecessary for survival is allowed. Sponsored by Nike.
