By: Matt Campbell (CUNY Hunter)
Over the years the Dallas Cowboys have given us plenty of reasons to hate. They will all mean nothing come today. As my ethical duty to NFL fans and the world, I have decided to compile a list of lesser known reasons to hate “America’s Team.” So break out your Jerry Jones Voodoo doll and try not to get too angry.
1. Jerry Jones Was The One Who Got Hitler Into Nietzsche
Back in the early 20th Century Jerry Jones was approaching middle age and he was feeling a little out of whack. He, like much of the nation, was mourning the death of Woodrow Wilson. To clear his mind he took, like most of us would, a cozy trip out to east. Germany would be his destination.
While on the boat to Germany, Jones took with him Tender is the Night by F. Scott Fitzgerald, Beyond Good and Evil by Nietzsche, and The Souls of Black Folk by W.B Dubious (for the laughsies). When he touched down in Germany he back packed along the mountainside, he saw the sights, he fucked a few Blonde haired sluts in their butt holes. He had a pretty good time. But on his second to last day, he was hanging out in the Meat Packing District in Munich when he met a young painter named Adolph.
They talked about things—organized sports, fingering nine sheep, traveling through time to rape yourself, pissing in your own mouth—you know, the stuff Jerry Jones talks about in his weekly press conferences. Near the end of their meeting Jerry Jones invited Mr. Hitler back to his Hotel Room to do nine or forty lines of cocaine.
Jerry Jones starting cutting the cocaine on a book. That book, of course, was Beyond Good and Evil. Hitler asked what the book was, and after several hours of doing coke, Hitler had read the book three times (he also had sex with four sheep in that time, it was really choice stuff). Jerry Jones left Germany with a smile and the blood of six million Jews in his nostrils (both figuratively and literally).
He had a good time in Europe.
2. Demarcus Ware Is Actually Mel Gibson In A Giant Black Man Suit
Mel Gibson is many things. He’s the star and director of Braveheart, one of the best movies in the last 20 years. He’s a raging anti-semite, and a general crazy person. Amazingly, he’s also one of the best pure pass-rushers the NFC East has seen in twenty years.
Few people know this, but Demarcus Ware, the sixth year outside linebacker from Marshall University, is actually just Mel Gibson inside a Giant Black Man Suit. Gibson has been donning the suit for years. When inside the suit he employs the art of method acting to never break character like he breaks through so many opposing offensive lines.
Gibson, an Australian native, has never been known by his peers to be a Football Fan, but during a routine police search in October a Giant Black Man Suit was found in his closet, along with forty seven Demarcus Ware jerseys, about two dozen game balls, and a Donovan McNabb jersey that had been torn to shreads.
Gibson has 77 sacks in six professional seasons.
3. The Song That Plays After A Cowboys Win Is Summer Girls by LFO
The Cowboys have not done much winning this season, but when they have won, screams of pure agony can be heard all over Arlington, Texas.
The Dallas Cowboys brand new stadium is a testament to American excess, and has a one billion foot video screen in the middle of the field, a ten thousand seat section dedicating to housing drunk and racist fans (the rest of the stadium is for the other, sober racist Texas fans), and an audio system that is twice the size of Godzilla’s Cock and Balls.
After each and every Cowboys win (home or away), the sound system, referred to as, The Cunt Mangler, blasts the 1999 Top 40 Hit, Summer Girls, much to the chagrin of everyone in the world. The sounds that come from the stadium are unspeakable, and have left many residents of Arlington clamoring to sell their homes for peanuts. The shock waves from the speakers have destroyed nearly all of the regions crops, and has caused gang violence to go up eighty eight percent.
Those that are unlucky enough to be trapped in the stadium during a home win are never heard from again. The last thing that they will ever know is the fact that New Kids on the Block had a large amount of hit songs, and that Chinese food makes at least one person in the world nauseous .
4. Cowboys Offensive Lineman Spoil The Endings of Major Motion Pictures
Defensive Lineman around the league have begun to wear ear plugs in games in which they play the Cowboys. Pre-Snap, The Cowboys Offensive Lineman have picked up the nasty habit of talking to each other about the endings to popular movies, thus ruining them for D-Lineman who have not seen those movies.
The Defensive Line, being so close to the Offensive Line, cannot help but overhear the conclusions to popular movies that they were excited about seeing with their girlfriends. Trent Cole, a Defensive End for the Philadelphia Eagles, remarks about a game in Dallas a few years ago when both the ending of The Sixth Sense and The Prestige was ruined for him.
“I didn’t see it coming, you know. I had seen half of the Sixth Sense and parts of the Prestige, but I had no idea that’s where the plots were going. It’s a shame that it was ruined for me, it would have been really great to see the endings for myself.”
The Dallas Cowboy’s Offensive Line defended their actions by exclaiming that they just, “assumed that all of the other players had seen the endings of the films”, and that no harm was meant to be done.
5. Terrance Newman Was Actually Wade Philips’ Slave
Terrance Newman, pro bowl Cornerback, was the slave of former head Coach Wade Philips. Philips purchased Newman after a loss to Green Bay in which Newman was feeling, “exceptionally tired.” For three years Newman was forced to plow the fields behind Wade Philips’ home, cook his meals, and rub his back.
Newman was not allowed to have any communication with any Dallas Cowboys during the period in his life, which explains his drop in productivity during those years. Former Dallas Cowboys Strong Safety Roy Williams once talked to us about his experience playing with Newman during those years.
“We would yell out audibles to Terrance, and he would just stare at his man. He wouldn’t even acknowledge that we were changing the play. I would try to tell him that he wasn’t going to get any help over the top, and he would just look down at his feet. Sometimes, I think I could hear him praying for death.”
After Philips was fired, Jason Garrett became the new Cowboys Head Coach, thus freeing Newman. During the first play of the next game, Isaih Stanbeck (CB), tried to tell Newman to defend the flats. Newman refused to respond. Stanbeck than said that Wade Philips was gone, and that Terrance Newman was free.
After the play (a four yard run) Stanbeck explained to Newman what the concept of freedom was, and with tears in his eyes, Newman said, “No more master?” Stanbeck then said yes, and then hugged Newman, and then gave up a twenty three yard catch to DeSean Jackson.
Terrance Newman plans to share crop some land from Jason Garrett during the off season.