Damn. What a nice rack…of books. After stalking your spring break pictures for hours on end, you snap, painfully, back into reality and realize that you are indeed in the library and not in Panama City Beach/Ultra/Cancun/(somewhere that’s hopefully not your couch). You and your friends exchange war stories, show battle wounds and mupload those pictures of you doing body shots off an old Mexican. Unfortunately, what happens in Cancun doesn’t stay in Cancun when you have an iPhone – #YOLO, more like #OHNO. Too bad the glory days are over, right? WRONG. Just because girls may be wearing slightly more clothes here on the mainland doesn’t mean that you can’t get sprung this spring.
DO: Dage Your Face Off
Dage: [day+rage] – verb
It should be a legit crime against humanity to sleep in on Saturday morning when the sun is shining, the birds are chirping and the booze is flowing. Who needs a dusty old frat basement when you can rock out to some country, house music and throwbacks while gettin’ your tan on? But word to the wise, no guy looks good with a pinnie burn line – sorry lax bros. Do more: wear sunscreen and some deodorant while you’re at it. Beautiful weather brings sweaty AND smelly pits. Trust me on this one. You probably shouldn’t wear grey either, pit stains are far from sexy.
If you’re lucky, you might even get a front row seat to see a bunch of hotties going ham on a slip ‘n slide. You thought spring break fun was over? Wrong again. Drunk girls + wet shirts = happy boys. As an added bonus, it’s much easier to dodge grenades when the sun sheds some light on your beer goggles. This way, when a butterface or that girl with some extra junk in the trunk, and everywhere else on her body, gives you her number and says, “Here’s my number, so call me maybe?” you can be happily save yourself an awkward morning after and confidently respond with a “hell no.”
DON’T: Call Me Maybe
Deny hating it all you want guys, but even the devil is blasting that song in Hell. I’ll give you the low down of what should happen after you get a girl’s number:
1) Hey, I just met you and this is crazy
2) Here’s my number
3) So CALL ME maybe DEFINITELY
Before you came into her life she missed you so bad. Am I the only one who thinks that line makes absolutely no sense? How the hell can you miss a guy before you’ve met him? Creepy, but catchy as hell. But anyway, girls love to say that they don’t sit around waiting for the phone to ring, but they do. Screw the wait-two-day bullshit rule, grow some balls and make a move. You’ll save a girl a lot of frustration and save her iPhone from some serious abuse, which often comes in the form of throwing, smashing, cracking, etc. What can I say? Bitches be cray.
Do: Have a Spring Fling
Who needs to get wifed up when summer is just around the corner? You may think that every girl wants a relationship, but that’s not always the case. If you’re okay with being a boy toy, then go find yourself a girl who likes to play with more than Ken dolls. The key to successfully mastering the spring fling, AKA the spring buck fuddy, is to tell the girl upfront that you’re not looking for anything serious and don’t want a girlfriend. If you don’t do this early in the game, you could end up with a stage five clinger who secretly writes your name in hearts on her notebooks and incessantly tries to DTR (define the relationship).
DON’T: Miss the View on the Green
Oh the weather outside is weather, and lucky for you it’s getting warmer. Coming to a green near you: girls in bikinis. It’s time to shed those heavy winter coats and jeans and get your tan on – sun’s out guns out! Chances are, if a girl is baring it all in front of everyone on campus, she’s got a hot bod. But if not, then for your sake, I hope you didn’t eat a big lunch because a half naked chick who should NOT be half naked is a nauseating sight. Screw the crowded weight room and go for a run or have a catch with some of your bros, preferably shirtless. “Accidentally” throwing a football toward a group of girls is an effortless way to start a conversation. You have to get your ball back somehow. We’ve all seen this move a hundred times, but hey, if a hot guy with a six-pack threw a football at me I certainly wouldn’t hate it.