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Food Porn

By: Meredith Sparks

Valentine’s Day is only a few weeks away and, of course, being the wonderful girlfriend that I am, I have been trying to come up with some fun and sexy ideas for my upcoming Valentine’s Day weekend sexcapades.  I typically peruse Cosmo for some naughty ideas and I decided to pick up the February issue, which is always filled with Valentine’s Day suggestions.  While I agree with some of Cosmo’s ideas (red hot glittery heart-shaped pasties!), the February issue suggested that I use chocolate pudding in bed.  Okay, WHAT?  There isn’t anything remotely sexy about pudding.  Do they really expect me to incorporate a Snack Pack into my sexual routine?  I’ve been cautious of Cosmo’s judgments when it comes to what is appropriate to eat in the bedroom for a few issues, but this whole chocolate pudding debacle has taken it to a whole other level.  I don’t really particularly get the whole food in bed thing.  I like food and I love sex, but I just don’t really see the two as tangoing.

Sitophilia, or the desire to eat foods off another person’s body, is a popular fetish that has pervaded the food and sex industry all over the world.  Japan practices nyotaimori, where men eat sushi off of a woman’s body and here in the good ole U S of A, Jim lost his virginity to an apple pie in American Pie and Paris Hilton was practically molested by a Carl’s Jr. chili cheeseburger in a controversial commercial.  George Costanza got so turned on by food in Seinfeld that he even came up with “the Trifecta”: sex with television and pastrami.  (He also came up with pudding skin singles in that episode—coincidence? I think not). Since “food porn” seems unavoidable in this world and in Cosmo, here’s a recap of some of the edible advice I’ve taken from Cosmo and then a few simple and tame suggestions if you are a raging sitophiliac.

Cosmo suggested that sitophiliac couples try edible panties, so I went and bought a pair of passion fruit flavored edible panties.  I don’t know if you have ever seen or tasted edible panties, but basically they are fruit roll ups cut to form a thong shape and it’s not the most pleasant or appetizing thing to stick a fruit roll up in your ass crack.  The consistency is the same as a fruit roll up, too, and I’m sure you can recall how they used to melt in your mouth and stick to your teeth.  Same situation, except down below, and let me tell you, there is nothing sexier than seeing your lover come up with red goo smeared all over his face.  Don’t even try to have sex after wearing edible panties because I highly doubt that it’s sanitary to have bright red, high fructose corn syrup rammed up your hoo-ha.  I have seen edible panties that are similar to a candy necklace, where little candies are strung along a thing string and they have to be bitten off instead of licked, so if you insist on trying edible panties, go for this kind.

Edible body paints are also supposed to spice up the bedroom, so we decided to try these as well.  There were four neon colors and the only flavor I specifically remember was that neon blue was blueberry flavored.  The edible body paints are very gooey and almost have a waxy consistency in the mouth.  It’s not that fun to paint each other’s bodies – it’s actually pretty pointless and mundane.  The edible body paints were a total bust for me, but my ex-boyfriend decided to eat the entire blueberry pot and puke blue for the next few hours.  Chocolate pudding, edible panties and edible body paints are all going to stain your sheets and just aren’t that sexy on your bare skin either.  There are so many sexual things that are flavored that are cleaner and safer to try.  Flavored massage oils, lotions and powders seem pretty tame and they aren’t overpowering.  Urban Decay, Victoria’s Secret and Jessica Simpson’s Dessert line all have great products that are slightly flavored and don’t leave a nasty residue.  I haven’t been brave enough to try the edible, flavored candles since there are so many things that can go wrong with hot wax in the bedroom, but if that’s your thing, they are definitely available on the market.  And if you want to be tasty and safe, don’t forget about flavored condoms that come in a whole rainbow assortment of colors and flavors.

If you absolutely have to incorporate food into sex, go with the classic whipped cream – it’s white, so it won’t stain, it’s easy to apply wherever you need it to go and it’s not overly sticky.  Otherwise, try to just eat a really sexy dinner outside of the bedroom with foods that are well-known aphrodisiacs.    Chocolate is always a major turn-on and it contains phenylethylamine, also known as “the love chemical,” whose effects peak during orgasm.  Bananas and figs are two very sexy fruits because they are thought to emulate male and female sex organs.  Cleopatra and Adam and Eve were patrons of the fig and Song of Songs in the Bible even uses figs in a sexual connotation.  Bananas contain the bromeliad enzyme, which supposedly gets men going down there.  Oysters are the number one aphrodisiac for men, though, since their exorbitant levels of zinc increase both sperm and arousal.  Honey is the best aphrodisiac for both men and women, since with its high levels of boron it metabolizes estrogen and increases testosterone.  Cosmo seems to have hit a low point in their sexual expertise with their decision to advertise chocolate pudding as the new sitophiliac fantasy, especially when there are so many sexy ways to mix food and nookie outside of straight up food porn.  I think that I will be sticking with champagne, chocolate and, if he’s lucky, maybe whipped cream for this Valentine’s Day.

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