It’s Monday again, which means another Trailer Report. Unfortunately, this is not a good week for movies. Not at all. Here are the only two releases this week that are even close to worthy.
Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance
Director: Mark Neveldine, Brian Taylor
Stars: Nicolas Cage, Ciarán Hinds, Idris Elba, Violante Placido
Plot: As Johnny Blaze hides out in Eastern Europe, he is called upon to stop the devil, who is trying to take human form.
Our Take: I just cannot believe the train wreck they called Ghost Rider was able to finagle itself a sequel. I’m almost totally sure that Nicolas Cage pumped some of his own money into it just so he had something to do. Eva Mendes isn’t in this flick, so what’s the point of seeing it?
Stoner Appeal: 3.7 – If you’re high as a kite, I’m sure you’ll get a kick out of the sheer ridiculousness of this movie.
Wood Factor: 0.6 – The franchise replaced it’s only saving grace, Eva Mendes, with the significantly less hot Violante Placido…and I’m not even sure if she’s a main character.
Explosions: 2.9 – When there’s a dude with a fiery skull head, you know there’s going to be explosions. Really cheesy ones. Prepare yourself for some awful CGI.
Soundtrack: 0.1 – Is there a soundtrack? I don’t know. I was totally distracted by how terrible everything about this movie looks.
Cool Story, Bro?: 0.2 – If a dead stuntman riding a motorcycle with his head on fire and fighting the devil didn’t pique the interest of movie-goers the first time around, I highly doubt it’ll work out this time
Final Grade: 1.5
This Means War
Director: McG
Stars: Reese Witherspoon, Chris Pine, Tom Hardy
Plot: Two top CIA operatives wage an epic battle against one another after they discover they are dating the same woman.
Our Take: Why is Reese Witherspoon always in movies where she’s trying to decide which guy to bone? Sweet Home Alabama, How Do You Know, and now this. It makes me so angry…she’s not even that hot. I want to hate this movie so bad, but I do like McG, Tom Hardy, and Chris Pine.
Stoner Appeal: 1.0 – Not a single stoner in the world could be persuaded to like this movie, even if the theater was giving out free joints on the way in.
Wood Factor: 1.5 – I guess Reese Witherspoon’s shovel face is kind of sort of hot in some weird alternate dimension. Right?
Explosions: 2.4 – When you pit two CIA operative against each other, there are bound to be a few gadgets and bombs. Hopefully.
Soundtrack: 0.9 – Okay, so the trailer blasts Wolfmother’s “Woman” at full volume, and for that I give this movie a slightly higher grade than I was originally thinking.
Cool Story, Bro?: 3.1 – You have to admit that the idea is rather cool on paper, even if it came out seeming a little bit like “Legally Blonde in the CIA.”
Final Grade: 1.78
