Campus Socialite readers, I hope you fully comprehend the significance of this gift I bring you. I have never gotten a speeding ticket in nine years driving, but that record is probably in serious jeopardy after the hubris of this headline and accompanying blog post. Today, however, I am going to save you thousands of dollars in tickets, court appearances and assorted legal fees by teaching you my secrets.
First of all, let me state that I am not a model driver. The only time I am complying all traffic rules is when I am backing out of my driveway, and yes, I have been called a “maniac” multiple times by close acquaintances when behind the wheel (You have to take these things in stride).
That said, here’s why I have never been pulled over for a moving violation:
1.) The Decoy. All that is required of you on the road is that, at any given time, you cannot be the biggest douchebag driver that has entered a cop’s view. To that end, I relish the opportunity to benefit from the recklessness of THAT driver – the one who cuts you off doing 120 across four lanes. When one of these dudes passes you, you have been given a temporary but precious blessing: The ability to be the second biggest dick on the road for as long as you can still see their car.
2.) The Theory of Relativity. In most cases, people get noticed from a distance because of their perceived speed, not their actual speed. A cop has to be fairly close to you to accurately clock you on a radar gun, but it’s hard for the 5-0 to tell how fast you’re going from a distance unless they have a frame of reference. When you have clear open road ahead of you, you can cheat up your speed a little bit. But when you pass other cars, you have to make sure you’re not moving that much faster than they are, or it’s a tipoff.
3.) NO BREAKS. Cops smell fear, and that “Oh shit” moment where you see a hidden one and hit your brakes can definitely seal your fate. When you brake, your lights and the sudden jerking of your vehicle say that you know what you did was wrong. If the police were at all on the fence about pulling you over, you’re definitely screwed now. Instead, you’ve got to just take your foot off the accelerator and look like you’re having a wonderful-ass day. It’s probably your best chance for salvation.
4.) Cruise Control. If you commute on a highway, use this ALL the time. Even in unfamiliar territory, you can set your speed to 12 over on the highway and almost always get away with it, especially if you follow the other rules in this post. On 70 mph highways, 15 over is probably fine, but only if you know where the speed traps tend to be. In heavy traffic, it can be kinda hard to use cruise control, unless you have the type where you can add or subtract speed with the “+” and “-” buttons. That’s totally badass, by the way.
5.) Watch the Lights. If there’s a cop sitting on the road ahead of you with a radar gun, other people will brake before you. If a group of cars brakes hard at the same time far ahead of you, slow down. And obviously, if someone down the road is flashing their brights, be on guard.
6.) The Vehicular Shield. This works best on turns, when police might hide around the bend and paint anything that emerges with a radar beam. Position yourself on the outside corner of the turn and use cars (or better yet, trucks) in front of you on the inside lanes as a radar shield. When you see those inside cars brake to avoid getting ticketed, you’ll have to slow down quickly, too – but again, try to do it without activating your brake lights.
DISCLAIMER: None of these tricks will work in the State of Arizona.