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JP Rose’s Guide To Finding A Drunk Girl

This title is deceiving! I’m not giving you a guide to find drunk girls so you can have a good time, or because you don’t have good enough game to get a sober one. I’m giving you this guide for one reason and one reason only. Everybody loves drunk people. They do moronic, idiotic, and sometimes illegal things for our entertainment…kinda like a clown. While guys sometimes pick fights with others, cause a ruckus, or show off how strong and tough they are, girls become a legitimate comedy show. To me, being around a bunch of drunk guys is boring and stupid. So what do I do? I make sure that if I want to laugh or enjoy something, I will find drunk girls and just stand by them just to watch the show. Do not fucking judge me. If I’m designated driver, what else am I going to do? I need some Goddamn entertainment.

Girls are better to watch drunk than guys because they go through (what I like to call) the “Four Seasons.” In the first season, they are very happy and giggly about everything. Usually this season consists of the girls going out with or only being around other females. Their automatic hate for the male population (fuck) and the uncontrollable amount of estrogen (ew) builds happiness and laughter throughout the group. This mostly is found in sororities or a girl’s night out. This is probably the most boring of the “Four Seasons” and I try to avoid it at all costs. The second season is when the female is whorish. By whorish, I mean she is a horny slut. In this season, the girl is on the prowl and looking for someone to go home with. This usually happens if the girl is very frustrated, or just is from Long Island. Either way, its good to watch them go from one guy to another like a fucking pinball.

The third season for a drunken female consists of constant crying/taking care of those who are crying. This is a good one to watch. Most likely the result of something that has to do with a boy but hey, its not me so I’m going to watch the show. This takes place in a very discreet location, so in order to find it you must really look hard…and I’ll tell you where they usually are. Mostly near a girl’s bathroom, never in it. Girls don’t want stranger-girls to see them in that state; it’s like if a shark swam by another bleeding shark, they’re fucked.  If there is no sob story going on near a bathroom, check the corners of the bar, a couch at a party, or outside where cigarettes are almost a definite. The fourth and personal favorite of mine is the angry rage drunk girl…when it’s not directed at me. This is usually a result of a cheating boyfriend or a disloyal friend. Listen for the screaming and yelling and cross your fingers. Hopefully some clawing and hair pulling will follow some cat yells. Tada! Your sober night just turned into a night unlike any other.

Now that I’ve given you the “Four Seasons” of a drunken female, it’s finally time that I give you my checklist on how to find these drunk girls and enjoy an eventful night.  WARNING: DO NOT USE THIS GUIDE FOR YOUR OWN “BENEFIT” PLEASE. That’s just scummy. Without further ado, here it is…my list of finding a drunk girl.

1) Asian Eyes – While consuming alcohol over a period of time, the eyelids will become heavy and resemble that of a Chinese person, or an Asian.

2) Constant, Hysterical Laughter – Girls hardly laugh. But I guess I wouldn’t laugh either if something bled for five days and didn’t die. If a girl is continuously cracking up, you’ve got a winner.

3) Bruised Knees – If she’s wearing a skirt or shorts, check the knees. If they’re bruised, she’s been falling a lot…or she’s in the third season too much.

4) Slurring – If a girl sounds like fucking Don Vito, either she has a speech impediment or she’s shitfaced…and usually those with speech impediments avoid public areas on the reg.

5) Crazy Dancing – If the girl actually whips her hair back and forth when that Goddamn song comes on, she’s gone.

6) “I Love You” – If a female keeps talking about her undying love for you and you met her two minutes ago, she’s just not that into you… she’s just belligerent.

7) What’s My Name? – If you see a girl you know, and she sees you, she will yell your name at the top of her lungs. Don’t be alarmed, she’s drunk and that’s how they say hello.

8) Allow Me to Reintroduce Myself - If you by some forsaken reason meet a girl who introduces herself every ten minutes, congratu-fucking-lations. Jackpot!

9) Crazy Dancing II – When a girl is dancing when no music is playing…well, enough said.

10) Timing – If it’s later than 3 a.m. and the girl still has a drink in her hand, not only is she a fucking champ, but perhaps extremely drunk.

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