We have a great slate of games this week. Division rivalries, a Super Bowl rematch and, just to balance that out, two NFC west and two AFC west teams are playing each other. This is tempered by the fact that this week means the regular season is more than half over after this week. With the NBA still on strike, I have become totally dependent on the NFL to keep me sane. I don’t know what I’ll do come February if the NBA season is cancelled. Kill myself? Yeah that sounds good.
Falcons at Colts
Can the Colts somehow concede the rest of their games? It’s just embarrassing at this point. Matt Ryan probably has a huge (relatively speaking) boner thinking about this game, but he’ll end up throwing the ball away too early every time. Easy W for Hot-lanta.
Jets at Bills
I’m thrilled by the Jets’ struggles because they expose what a horribly inadequate QB Mark Sanchez is. He can’t behind the old cliché that “he wins,” now, and I would love it if Ryan whips out his massive balls this offseason and starts looking for a new QB who actually knows how to, y’know, quarterback an NFL team and not just rape barely legal coeds. Oh and Bills win.
Buccaneers at Saints
God, that Saints game last week was horribly embarrassing wasn’t it? The good thing for Saints’ fans is they always keep losses like that in perspective: “Well, it was no Katrina.” They’ll come back and win against the Bucs.
Dolphins at Chiefs
The Chiefs’ success continues to baffle me. Nothing about it makes sense, except the absolute stufftiness of the AFC west. Yeah, congratulations KC, you’re the smartest of the Tea Party members. Have fun getting torn up in the first round of the playoffs by a real NFL team.
Browns at Texans
The Texans are lucky that they’ve gotten some easy opponents while Andre Johnson is out. They’ll get the win, in what is a literal interpretation of the phrase “I could beat you with one hand tied behind my back.”
Seahawks at Cowboys
As terrible as the Seahawks are, picking Tony Romo to do well at anything gives me a lot of consternation. Nonetheless, I will pick the Cowboys to win. As for the bet on how Romo will hilariously fail in this game, I say he fumbles and then, when trying to pick it up, accidently rips his pants. Qwest field cracks up and Romo runs home crying.
49ers at Redskins
This game could get really embarrassing for the Redskins. The 49ers defense is impenetrable, unlike your mom after her third martini. John Beck (still: who?) will throw a bunch of picks and the Niners will win with ease.
Bengals at Titans
Surprisingly, this is actually an interesting game. The Titans have a real shot at winning their division, and while Bengals are not real competitors to the better AFC teams, they’re still an exciting team on the way up. Despite Paul Brown’s best efforts to maintain a rich history of mediocrity in Cincinnati, his team seems to have other plans. They’ll be 6-2 after this week.
Broncos at Raiders
FUCK TIM TEBOW SO HARD WITH A SYPHLITIC COCK IN HIS EYE. Raiders win.
Packers at Chargers
Reeling from the embarrassment of that Kansas City game, Philip Rivers prayed extra hard this week. Too bad his prayers won’t stop Rodgers from butt-raping his teams’ defense and from Charles Woodson intercepting a few of his trademark rainbows. Packers in a rout.
Rams at Cardinals
Let’s see the two worst teams in the worst division? This is like the Face/Off of NFL games. The Cardinals will “win,” but when things like this occur, no on really wins.
Giants at Patriots
One time when I was shopping at a Goodwill in Boston, I found a New England Patriots Super Bowl XLII Champions shirt. It had bloodstains on it. Hopefully Tawmmy has a few bloodstains after this game, but I expect the results to be more favorable for the Pats than the last time these teams met.
Ravens at Steelers
Finally, a Monday night game that deserves the Monday night slot. It blows that there is no flex scheduling during the beginning of the season, but it is actually for the best. If there was flex scheduling, smaller market teams would probably never get Sunday or Monday night slots. As painful as it may be to watch games like the Jags-Ravens game from week 7, it is important that teams like the Jags or Browns get at least one night in the spotlight. The Steelers should hand the Ravens another Monday night drubbing.
