I have no idea how magazine releases work, but for some reason Penthouse’s December issue hits the shelves tomorrow, November 8. This classy men’s mag, primed for the last month of 2011, is already attractive enough as it is with BiBi Jones and Jesse Jane on the cover. But inside there’s a magical world with all 12 nominees for Pet of the Year. Let’s evaluate them, shall we?
Breanne Benson – January 2011
Maybe not such a great choice to start off a year. Then again, I’ve seen Breanne look super hot, so maybe it’s just these pictures that aren’t so flattering. She’s also better looking as a blonde, in my honest opinion. Girl definitely knows how to get down though. I assume you already know how many adult films she’s shot, but here’s a fun quote from Penthouse: “The most daring I’ve ever done was sneak out school while I was still living with my parents to shoot a porn scene. I was 18, I swear! It was right before graduation.” Besides the incorrect grammar, I admire her dedication to the profession.
Jewels Jade – February 2011
My lord, those boobs are ENORMOUS. And those lips are a nice touch, too. Definitely a girl fit for a very lonely man on Valentine’s Day (a February reference, learn to love it). If you’ve seen her work then you know that her ass matches everything else on her body – large, pronounced, and jiggly. If you haven’t, then I’ll answer the question you’re already wondering: yes, those tribal tats wrap around. I would feel bad if I didn’t post this direct quote: “The biggest turn-on for me is hot women who are into me and my husband. I have no problem being faithful when it comes to men, but I need a hot pussy every once in awhile!”
Ella Milano – March 2011
Delicious, just like the cookie. Of the three Pets that I’ve been through already, Ella is my favorite. She’s got the all-around nice package – none of her features are too pronounced or comically large, and she definitely knows how to hit you with that cute “I want you” face. Girl loves chocolate and extreme sports, so if you ever get the chance, buy her a Crunch bar and take her on the ski lift. I can’t seem to not post their personal quotes, so here’s one you’ll really enjoy: “I’ve had a lot of great sexual experiences, but the most amazing ever was driving a manual prerunner truck in the desert while being fudgeed. Superfun!”
Franceska James – April 2011
Mehhh…this one I’m not so into. Yeah sure, Franceska James’ body is a marvel of mankind, but what is a hot body without a hot face to go with it? And I don’t know about you, but I kinda wanna smack her around a little bit to see if it’ll fix whatever is up with that. Plus I’ve seen what she’s got going on down there, and the 1/4 pound of roast beef with a side of pubes doesn’t do it for me. There’s a reason it looks like that, and I quote: “Women who are Virgos, like me, are very passionate, with very strong sexual impulses. We are great lovers. I just ask for what I want, when I want it – and I am always ready for sex.”
Tasha Reign – May 2011
Finally, a blonde. The more I see of Tasha Reign, the more I like her. She’s cute, bubbly, a complete sexual deviant – and did I mention that she’s got a fantastic pair? Yeah, that too. Apparently she has a fantasy of being double teamed by 50 Cent and JFK, so I’m gonna get to writing that into a script as soon as I’m done here. She said this to say: “If I had to choose between my right arm and my ability to have orgasms, it would be good-bye, arm. Orgasms are my go-to achievement every day, I wake up and go to sleep with them.” Tasha, I seriously hope it never has to come to that.
Eden Adams – June 2011
Okay, so I’m thinking that this picture doesn’t do Eden Adams justice at all. Not to say that she isn’t freaking sexy in it – she is – but if you’ve seen her work you know that they could’ve done better. I see her everywhere (and by everywhere, I mean the darkest, dirtiest depths of the Internet), and she is always a smokeshow. She was hot when she was a noob with pigtails, and she’s just as hot today as a full-blown (no pun intended) adult film star. Apparently, her quote is word for word the same as Tasha’s, which leads me to question the legitness of Penthouse’s website.
Kiara Diane – July 2011
Penthouse’s Pet of July Kiara Diane is like your typical girl next door type adult film star. She’s not freakishly petite with giant fake tits or lips filled with collagen. She’s just a regular girl who likes to fudge on camera for money. She enjoys watching Dexter, riding her quad, and drinking her Starbucks…and she likes to get pounded, did I mention that yet? Want another little taste of her personality? Here it is: “When it comes to music, it’s country all the way. TLC gets me in a sexy mood. Any country song gets me in an ‘I need a cowboy now’ mood. Lil Wayne gets in an ‘I don’t give a fudge’ mood.”
Georgia Jones – August 2011
Georgia Jones reeks of sex…unfortunately, it’s just lesbian sex because the girl’s never done a straight scene. I guess that’s not a bad thing if you’re into girl-on-girl, but I’m gonna side with Jonah Hill a la Superbad on this one – not for me. It’s just no fun watching 2 chicks have all the fun with me over here feeling completely detached from it. At least when there’s a dick in there I can pretend it’s mine; There’s no pretending with a strap-on. But alas, she is super fine, and it deeply saddens me that no one’s given her a good dicking on film. Her quote kinda explains it: “I go old-school when it comes to a favorite sex scene in a movie. I really like the threesome that’s fast forwarded in A Clockwork Orange. But Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis were amazing in Black Swan.”
Emily Addison – September 2011
Emily Addison is like the chameleon of the adult film world. I’ve seen her be a blonde – she was super hot. I’ve seen her try out the bangs – even hotter. I’ve seen her go tan – she’s not only hot, but she has a Catherine Zeta Jones-like quality to her. Here she went all Snow White and I gotta admit that I still find her really, really hot. Unfortunately, this one swings the same way as Georgia Jones, so don’t expect to Google her and find some awesome smut. Sad face. “When I was in school, one of my friend brought in old Penthouse and Penthouse Letters magazines. I’ve wanted to be one of those girls ever since. Penthouse is my favorite magazine because its classy but naughty – like me.” I guess she’s just too classy to get boned.
Jenna Rose – October 2011
Finally, back to a girl that actually gets down. Don’t get me wrong, the past 2 girls have been super hot, they just rated really low on the slut factor. I’m not sure how much that can sway the vote for Pet of the Year, but any guy who knows all of these girls is probably going to choose the one who takes good dick over the classier lesbian ones any day (sorry ladies who like ladies, it’s just common sense). Jenna Rose is possibly the most average adult actress in the running, so she’s gonna have to pull real hard to win. I think this might help her case: “I’ve made love in many exciting places: under a railroad track, on Interstate 40, in the Colorado River, on a dirt bike, and even on the hood of my car.”
Malena Morgan – November 2011
Malena Morgan is goddamn BEAUTIFUL. It only makes sense that she’d be the Penthouse pet for November, the best month of the year (if not only because it’s my birthday). It’s a shame that she’s in the same league as Georgia and Emily, but you know what: I’ll make an exception for this one. She’s so gorgeous that I don’t even need to see her naked, and watching another guy touching her would be like watching my best friend eat my best cut of steak in my face. I just want to put her in a glass room and stare…does that sound creepy? And she’s all about nice guys: “I don’t like it when guys try to impress me by flashing their money in my face. If a man really wants to catch my eye, he needs to know how to move his hips.” I will dance all night to impress you, Malena.
Natasha Nice – December 2011
And finally we’re down to the last month of 2011 – a month that hasn’t even happened yet. Regardless of that, Natasha Nice is definitely a name that you’ve heard a lot, if you haven’t already been watching her get down. This girl is all natural, something that definitely can’t be said for some of the other girls on this list, and that’s a lot considering her ridiculously large tits. I love those green eyes, too. Oh yeah, and this: “I’m in school, and it’s really hard to be responsible. I love frickin and having orgies, but I need to find balance between being a good little schoolgirl and a dirty little slut.”
