By Dan Birnbaum
Sunday, October 18th 2009, strolling in to the Crazy Donkey in Farmingdale, NY, the four of us are prepared to rock out at an adrenaline pumping Pepper concert. In the corner of our eye we spot the first asshole of the night fighting in the parking lot. For those who aren’t familiar with the sounds of Pepper, listen to them and you will be reminded of the sounds of the legendary band Sublime (Brad Nowell). Although some of their songs are heavy, I feel that they are, for the most part, an enjoyable band to listen to and see perform live. Nevertheless, for some insane reason, people tend to think that this band is heavy death metal, which is what I think of when I consider the act of moshing. But let’s discuss what exactly goes on in a mosh pit. According to the Webster’s of smut, Urban Dictionary, a mosh pit is “when a group of head bangers or anything like that starts to fight amongst themselves. This usually includes throwing your arms around to protect your own personal space, teaming up with a friend and spinning around so you both go flying into the crowd that soon gathers around. Usually frantic pushing and shoving to get in the middle of the pit ensues as you join in with the singing (but more likely screaming) of the lyrics.” In my opinion, the definition of this act can be described and boiled down to one word. Extreme! But I also think these people are Nuckin’ Futs! And seriously dude, the one who thought it was cool to take my hat and throw it in the center of the mosh pit. Not cool. I saw you do it, definitely no one laughed, not even your friends.
What does all this nonsense trigger at a concert that is almost certainly packed with drunken, testosterone driven alpha males? It’s sets up optimal conditions for a fun filled night allowing for a contest called “who can receive the worst injury?”
Just as a side note, what the hell are you pretty girls thinking trying to get involved in this mayhem? It’s almost like you voluntarily signed up to partake in a misogynistic violent act of brutality. I am especially pointing fingers at the little ladies who are only around 4 feet 9 inches tall and that also goes for the butch women tipping the scales at a solid deuce, deuce and a half, that would like to think that they can actually hold their own in these revolving debacles.
As I was making my way through the mosh pit, all in the span of a minute, I had these two adorable ladies get pushed in to me and for a moment I thought it was my lucky day. Unfortunately for me they were in it to mosh. The two of them glance at me, then glance at each other as if they were going to perform some unique sexual act on me. I guess that I mistook this look because the two simultaneously pushed me into the epicenter of the pit. I guess this is why they say that sex and violence are indeed related.
Next thing we know, two crowd-surfers land directly on top of the three of us as if we were about to support them in their effort to catch their first tube. Not even 10 seconds after this exact moment, 3 enormous bouncers stroll through the crowd, as well as the many entranced mosh pitters, a lifeless body with vomit all over him emerges from the pit and is literally being dragged out the club as if he were a human paperweight. Is everyone catching my drift?
The conclusion of the night was like that scene from Varsity Blues, when the team walks out of the strip club at 6 am in the morning. We all walk out, looking like we just stayed up all night taking Adderall and perhaps coming down from an 11-hour cocaine binge, and doused in the stench of alcohol. One of us has no shoes, a black eye and a fat lip. Another has a gash under his eye and with out a doubt needed at least 10 stitches as if he just had a sparring accident with Manny Pacquiao. Finally, what mosh pit night wouldn’t be complete without a fractured ankle?
Here are some helpful tips for those of you planning to get involved in a mosh pit:
- If someone hits the floor, it is always good to help them up, they’ll get your back as well. If you knock or push someone down, it’s probably a good idea to help them up.
- When you go into a mosh pit, secure all of your valuables. Wear pants and clothing with good pockets, zippers or buttons. Tuck your chain wallet in because you do not want to have it fall out or get ripped out by a crook or piece of shit (assuming they are not both the same person). It would be shitty if you lost your keys and wallet in the pit and it has happened to other people before.
- Want to start a mosh pit? Get to the center of the floor and start slamming people. Chances are there will be others who are on the same tip and will want to join.
- Some people think they can’t lose when they drink the booze in other words, beer muscles! Try to be as much aware of your surroundings as possible.
- If someone crowd surfs, jump in and help them out. As a suggestion, if it is at the end of the show people tend to get tired, so it is good to surf at the beginning of the show or before a breakdown or good climax of a song.
- Stage jumpers – jump at your own risk. If you do jump, then make sure you make eye contact with the people or area you are diving into because sometimes the crowd opens up like the Red Sea and jumpers will fall and smash like a bag of potatoes.
- Shirtless people, if you go into a pit sans-shirt, be courteous and put one on. No one wants to slam into someone by accident and get slimed by you. If you are female, single and over the age of 21 then the shirt rule does not apply.
Check one of my favorite Pepper songs for those of you who are unfamiliar with this awesome band from Kona, Hawaii.
