Below is the second and final portion of The Campus Socialite’s exposé on the most devious and crafty fast food icons. If you haven’t already checked it out, take a peek at yesterday’s Part I of this article. Be wary of this trans fat triumvirate and when in doubt, just eat a salad.
Kool-Aid Man
Sells: Kool-Aid
Most Likely to: Make your child run headfirst into a wall in an attempt to break into a home and provide the tenants with delicious, diabetes-inducing nectar
It’s always been a guideline by which I live my life: Never swallow the bodily fluids of anyone who busts into your home. I had to learn that the hard way. Now far be it from me to say that a Dane Cook bit really speaks to my experience in life, but this clip pretty much sums up the poor logic associated with the Kool-Aid Man’s antics.
He may have good intentions, but I wouldn’t leave that living bowl of juice to tend to my children. They’d end up disoriented, sad and covered in red, viscous liquid. And while that would certainly prepare them for their future vocations as prostitute murderers, it still doesn’t seem like the best idea (I’d rather they learn that skill-set on the job).
Refrigerator Raider
Sells: Milk, I think
Most Likely to: Not make any sense. At all.
Don’t know who that little runt in the clip above is? Neither did I until I turned to the trusty folks at Wikipedia.
Apparently, Refrigerator Raider was part of an ad campaign by the American Dairy Council in the early 90s whose goal was, judging by the commercial, to lock your children in the refrigerator so that they get their daily dose of milk. And just like he left the cake and milk in the fridge, Refrigerator Raider made one appearance and disappeared, never to be seen again. But you just know he’s lurking out there, with his cyborg eyes, announcing his name to anyone within earshot.
Chester Cheetah
Sells: Cheetos
Most Likely to: Introduce your child to intravenous cheese dust use
You look at Chester Cheetah and you know there is just something dark fueling his exuberant energy, unflinching speed and endurance and crazy schemes involving neon orange lunch snacks. I think “Family Guy” has painted Chester’s true colors with this clip.
All drug jokes aside, seriously, it’d probably be less messy to do mountains of blow like Al Pacino in Scarface than it would be to eat a full bag of Cheetos. It always struck me as near impossible to eat Cheetos without ending up looking like I completely shaved Garfield the Cat and used his fur as a beard. So not only was I eating myself into an early grave, but I looked like a complete slob afterwards. No feline with amazingly cool sunglasses should be able to persuade kids into such a sloppy fate. But look, he can dunk a basketball! I’m sold!
