BradWellen@precioustimeny.com
Walk-off home runs, a memorable sexual conquest, finding Waldo… all extremely satisfying phenomena. As great as these feats are to accomplish, they pale in comparison to a perfectly executed theme party. A legendary theme party calls for the perfect storm of circumstances, and I don’t just mean booze and broads. A classic rager requires creativity, dedication, a collective willingness to embarrass oneself, and, from time to time, midgets. In all seriousness, a great party relies first and foremost on a well-thought out theme and from there the sky is the limit. Whether you want to feel like a kid again and recapture some of that ’80s and ’90s nostalgia, drink until you can’t feel feelings anymore, or just see the opposing sex in the least clothing as possible, there is a theme for everyone. For your viewing pleasure, I have thrown together a brief list of themes that would earn the approval of even the wildest party animal.
Handcuff Party – This party is ideal for fraternities and sororities that are comfortable enough with each other that no girl is afraid to be chained to any guy and vice-versa. Guys and girls are linked together using either novelty handcuffs or zip-ties, preferably zip-ties since no keys are involved. Each couple must finish a combined five beers, shots, or mixed drinks before they can take off the handcuffs and then choose someone else to be connected to. If you do go the handcuff route, I cannot overemphasize the importance of keeping the key in a safe place. The chances of finding a small metallic key after a baker’s dozen of Cuervo shots are about as good as Amy Winehouse not getting arrested before 2010. If this party goes down as planned, the opportunities to hookup are plentiful as people will be forced to socialize and get to know each other. Hell, you have no choice but to have a good time – nobody wants to be handcuffed to a mute.
The Cycle Party – When a major league ballplayer hits for the cycle his name goes in the record book; when you survive a cycle party you should go to rehab. Simply put, the cycle party works best in a frat house (or any house with more than a dozen rooms) and is not for the weak of heart, or stomach for that matter. Here’s the lowdown – guests are split up into groups of four and sent to different rooms throughout the house. Inside each room are four types of alcohol – a shot, a beer, a mixed drink, and a glass of wine. The group has two decisions: drink everything in the room and move on or bow out and lose their opportunity to cycle through each room in the house. The types of drinks vary throughout the house so if you want to advance, you inevitably will have to drink something you don’t like. My personal room from hell is a shot of Bacardi 151, a glass of Guinness, a Long Island Iced Tea (with or without the umbrella), and the shittiest boxed wine money can buy. Groups should contain two guys and two girls and strategy is key here. Girls may wanna consider that bearded guy from math class who looks like a Viking and breathes way too heavily because he just may come in handy for those stomach turning drinks. The few brave souls who do make it through the entire cycle will be forever immortalized in drinking lore and probably wake up with a ton of obscenities drawn on their faces in permanent marker.
From the Boston Tea Party to Prince’s post-Oscar after hours, parties have been the lifeblood of this country since it’s inception. Feel free to make some history of your own and add your own themes to my short list of personal favorites. Have any classic stories from some of your own theme parties? I’d love to hear them. Pictures are welcome also, but as always, keep it classy. Stay tuned for more party themes next week.
