We all hear about those girls who do it all – also known as porn stars. These girls tend to ruin it for the rest of us classy ladies because guys could easily say “Well, the last girl I was with (AKA who he watched on TV) did it…so I thought you would want to.” Most of the time, this assumption is wrong, unless your girl is super kinky (which, some of us are). Some of the sexual acts I listed below are straight up degrading, while the others may be fun to try, but all in due time. If you try to perform these acts at the wrong time, shit could hit the fan and get awkward. Read about the appropriate times to engage in these acts, after the jump.
No I’m not talking about that gorgeous day spent at the spa, or who knows, maybe I am if that’s where you guys choose to [ironically] do it. In case you somehow don’t know, a facial is when the guy ejaculates on your face. So, when is it okay to allow him to do this? Obviously, the guy has to ask politely, and it should be after you guys have been hooking up for some time. You need to know he has a lot of respect for you, and that’s top priority.
It’s only appropriate to let him do the facial after you have been giving him head (and he’s been reciprocating) for at least a month. Facials show the guy you are willing to please him since, let’s face it, you get nothing out of this. So receive the facial if he agrees to give you a massage after, involving lotion, candles, and at least a half hour. This way, it’s basically the same as a full day at the spa.
Blumpkins. This is something I don’t even think a lot of guys would want to occur. A blumpkin is when the girl is giving the guy head, while he’s taking a shit on the toilet. Hm, sounds relieving. This happened to a friend of mine while he was at a family party. I must say, that doesn’t seem like the right time for a blow job. Similar to a golden shower, call me a square, but excrement just doesn’t seem very sexual to me. So leave the feces and the urine for the toilet, with the girl waiting outside. But if she winds up doing it? Well, you’re dating a whore.
Ah, the infamous sexual act. What every guy talks about but rarely gets to experience. Anal sex has a lot of negative connotations associated with it. Physically, it makes sense, but this is the only hole in the body without natural lubrication, so it just doesn’t seem all that natural. But when done right, with a whole lot of lube, it’s not all that bad, or so I hear.
Anal should occur after being in a relationship for at least three months, if you still want to be respected afterward. Anal should happen, ironically, on a romantic night. Honestly, it should sort of be planned, so you have an ample amount of lube located bedside. Anal sex has to come at a price. He needs to have cooked you dinner, and you have to be doing some kinky stuff to go along with this night. Be wearing some sexy lingerie and be feeling good after the awesome dinner he made.
Agree to the anal, only knowing full and well, the two of you have some awesome plans for the next night. This is why this act should never be random. It should be sandwiched between two awesome nights the two of you are sharing together. This way, you’re guaranteed to feel okay about it after. He might be getting your ass hole, but he’s the asshole who’s buying you the Porterhouse the next night on a double date with your best friend.
Honestly, it’s fun to joke about….but this just doesn’t seem like something that should ever happen in a sexual situation. Unless, of course, you were stung by a jellyfish.
Road head, like everything else, should occur at a very specific time. Obviously, you should be hooking up for awhile so he knows you’re classier than the average slut. But even if its been some time, road head should only occur when you’re on your way home, or on your way to someplace fabulous. This means you have a reservation at an expensive restaurant in the next town, on your way to a chic event together, or on your way back from a romantic excursion he planned on his own.
This makes him think you really appreciate the date he planned, which obviously you do, but the girl still has a one-up in the situation, because this gives him incentive to plan more fabulous dates for you. The ultimate steak and blow job day.
It would seem that some people don’t actually know what rim jobs are. No, it’s not a blow job, and no, you’re not cleaning your car. A rim job is the equivalent to a tossed salad, and they tend to be most acceptable when they happen “by accident.”
This means you’re both drunk, doing 69, and his tongue just happens to slip. Oh, that was interesting now wasn’t it? Hopefully you happened to have just showered, but the nerve endings down there can be make you feel pretty awesome sometimes. So what if it happened “by accident?” It felt pretty fucking good at the time, and there’s no need to bring it up later.
For you kinky ladies out there, make sure he showered twice, or better yet, return the favor for him WHILE in the shower. But at the end of the day, an ass hole is an ass hole, so use your judgment.