It saddens me to share with you a recent tragedy that befell me. Last week I found myself in the mood for some high-fat garbage and had the hunger itch that only an Applebee’s chicken fingers platter could scratch. Now – as you could tell simply by looking at my chiseled physique – my trips to Applebee’s are not frequent, but when I do go to the world famous Neighborhood Grill and Bar, I make it count. Now, while their chicken fingers are solid, the part of the meal worth telling the grandkids about is the orgasmic honey mustard. Other than Hanukah gelt, Applebee’s honey mustard is the only edible gold I have ever come across and it is the only reason I ever step foot in this glorified trucker’s rest stop of restaurant.
After downing a few beers my craving for the holy sauce was peaking and the only answer was a thousand plus calories of suspect meat and fries. The waitress finally appeared with my meal and upon seeing the condiment she brought let’s just say I was more disappointed than Andy Dick and Elton John at the Playboy Mansion. I was served some fugazzi honey mustard that was barely fit for a McDonald’s chicken club and when I asked why they changed such a proven formula for this knock-off junk, I was simply told that they were just following corporate orders. Well here’s a news flash for the micromanaging geniuses at Applebee’s headquarters: if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. After swapping my weak-ass honey mustard for some mediocre ranch dressing, I vowed never to return to the ’Bee’s until the original honey mustard was back on the menu.
Fortunately, I have stumbled upon the recipe needed to make your own Applebee’s style honey mustard and am here to share it with you all to keep you from experiencing a similar dining tragedy to mine. Perfect the recipe and you will be slopping this gravy of the Gods on everything from chicken to three-day-old cold pizza.
- 1/4 cup mayonnaise
- 1/4 cup Grey Poupon Dijon Mustard
- 1/4 cup honey
- 1 tablespoon prepared mustard
- 1 tablespoon white vinegar
- 1/8 teaspoon paprika
- Combine ingredients in a small bowl.
- Mix well.
- Store in a covered container and refrigerate until ready to serve.