Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve begun our initial descent into our destination. We should be touching down momentarily and at this time we’re going to turn on the seat belt sign and ask that you return to your seats next to the following five airplane personalities. It’s been our pleasure to have you fly with us on Socialite Airlines today and we hope to have you back with us soon. Flight attendants please prepare the cabin for landing…
The Old Person
Old people always smell like shit covered in dust. Always. I don’t like standing next to shit covered in dust, let alone sitting in a confined space with it for hours on end and listening to it wheeze and cough and sip a ginger ale through its nasty old teeth and then mumble something about its teeth hurting from the cold of it, even though you know they’re fake teeth, and then dabbing its fake teeth with the complimentary blanket and then blowing its nose on the blanket and then placing the old-person-snot-covered blanket on the arm rest in between the two of you. Catch my drift?
The Pilot
Hopefully there will be a pilot on your flight. If there’s not, then you should start worrying. If there is a pilot, then you’re probably not going to die on this flight. You will, however, be forced to listen to him talk at length about the tiniest, most insignificant bullshit details of his job that you couldn’t give a shit about. If the takeoff is delayed by five minutes, he’ll be sure to keep you informed of what the problem is (and he’ll speak technically, not in layman’s terms), who told him what the problem was, who told that guy to tell him what the problem was, and who he told to tell something to that guy about after that guy told him. He’ll also be sure to interrupt your nap periodically to point out really interesting landmarks, like The Texas Panhandle, and Kansas City. I wish his radio were two way, because somebody needs to tell him that nobody fucking cares.
The Smelly Guy
This guy is different than the fat guy, in that his body is not trying to osmose you and your seat. The smelly guy is not easily distinguished from a distance, which makes him dangerous because he could be anyone. You’ll know you’ve found him when you find yourself within a five-foot radius of his body, because suddenly it smells like somebody shit a dead possum into a bucket of week-old piss and Thai food vomit. His three-day-old B.O. could be due to a general lack of hygiene, but it’s most likely due to the fact that he’s been traveling on an airplane for a really long time, meaning that by the end of this trip, you could be somebody else’s smelly guy. Try not to let that happen.
The Bitchy Flight Attendant
Sexy flight attendants are to the real world was dry land was to Waterworld: a myth. As much as we all want it to be a super-cute young babe handing us a tiny can of orange juice, it’s always going to be a middle aged woman who looks like she may have been cute at one point, but then she chain smoked for 10 years straight, shriveled up, maybe got hit by a car or two, and decided not to get that long-overdue nose job that she’d been dreaming of for so long. She should have gotten it, and she knows it. That’s why she’s going to take every opportunity she gets to be a snooty bitch. She hates her job, and why shouldn’t she? It seems like a pretty shitty job. You’re just walking up and down a row in a stupid outfit giving peanuts to fatties. It’s just like being Jessica Simpson’s personal assistant, except that job probably pays more.
The Prisoner
This seems like a weird one to be on a list of frequent flyers, but if you travel enough, you’ll see your share of people in handcuffs being escorted via airplane. Surprisingly, the prisoner will actually be much more pleasant than most of the other air travelers that you’ll encounter, because he’s just happy to be outside of a cell for a few hours, getting some fresh air and being not raped for a while. He’ll be pretty chatty with the large, scary guys who are escorting him, and he may even talk to other people if they let him. Be careful, though: he’s going to tell you his entire life story, and he’s going to be brutally honest about it. Try not to piss him off, either, because he’s already going to jail, so he’s not hesitant about attacking someone who pushes him to far. For example, don’t tell him you’re going to write an Internet article about him where you mention that he gets raped in prison. He will not like that at all.
* – Special thanks to Holy Taco for contributions to this article.
