Certain names are synonymous with a particular sport. Say Jordan, Johnson, or Bird and you immediately think of the NBA. Ruth, Koufax, and any number of Ripkens conjure up thoughts of baseball. Marino, Favre, and Manning are NFL royalty and need no introduction. Unfortunately, for every once in a generation superstar who etches their name into sports lore, you have some chump who is really only memorable because they have a ridiculously inappropriate name. As you take a look this band of brothers linked by shitty surnames, you cannot help but wonder just how much their parents hated them to subject them to a life of endless torment. Let the name games begin.
10. Gregor Fucka
The countdown begins with Italian basketball player Gregor Fucka. When Fucka’s mother gave birth to Gregor in Slovenia on August 7, 1971, she could not have imagined that one day her little Fucka would be an Olympic athlete. Mother Fucka’s husband, Gregor’s father, is of Italian ancestry which allowed Gregor to become an Italian national and move to Trieste at the age of 19 to play in the Italian league. The 7-foot Fucka represented Italy at the 2000 Olympic games in Sydney and won the 2003 Spanish National Cup while playing for FC Barcelona.
9. B.J. Johnson
B.J. Johnson was a standout wide receiver for the Texas Longhorns from 2000 to 2003. While at Texas, Johnson set 7 freshman receiving records, underperformed as an upper-classman and was signed as a free agent by the Denver Broncos after graduation. In two seasons with the Broncos, 2004 and 2005, B.J. did not play in a single game. It is fair to say that B.J. Johnson sucks. Johnson, who is currently signed with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, has a name composed of dual dick references.
8. Pete LaCock
Speaking of dick, Pete LaCock played 9 seasons with the Chicago Cubs and Kansas City Royals from 1972 to 1980 (although this card is from 1981, LaCock retired before the season began). Born Ralph Pierre LaCock in Burbank, California, Pete was a utility player who never quite packed any punch with the bat. Interestingly, LaCock’s father, Peter Marshall, was the host of “Hollywood Squares” from 1966-1981. The elder LaCock, born with the LaCock name, changed his name to Marshall to pursue an acting career in Hollywood. His baseball-playing son kept the old name, LaCock, which, in French I believe means “the penis.”
7. Danny Shittu
This Nigerian footballer currently plays for Bolton Wanderers in the English Premier League. The 26-year-old defender has become a crowd favorite and the Bolton faithful have given Danny his own chant. They chant “Dan” a whole bunch of times and then in the middle of it say, “And when you turn, you’ll see he’s black dynamite. And his name is Dan Shittu!” Interesting that a guy called Shittu is nicknamed “black dynamite.” Actual black dynamite describes something dark, cylindrical and explosive. Sorta like shit. And an aside, are English soccer fans ever going to cut the racist shit out? Shittu joins #6 and Wednesday’s #3 on this countdown and Albert Pujols and Assol Slivets on the first dirty name list in the scatological subcategory.
6. Harry Colon
Harry Colon played 6 NFL seasons from 1991-97 with the Patriots, Lions and Jaguars. The safety holds the Jaguars record for interceptions in a season with three. More notable than Colon’s football career is his very dirty name, one that elicits some terrifying imagery. The colon is the portion of the intestines that extracts water from outgoing feces and imagining that already foul tube lined with hair makes me want to gag.
In the interest of not harming your funny bones or turning your stomachs we have to cut the list short at this point and make you wait until Wednesday to see the top (bottom?) five dirtiest names in sports. See you then…