On Monday, we brought the pain with Part I of our special report on athletes with awful names. Today we step it up a notch and reveal the names of four sportsmen and one cursed sportswoman who make us chuckle just by simply wearing a name tag.
5. Dick Pole
Sometimes I wish I could write using a Beavis and Butthead impression. “Uh, huh-huh, Dick Pole.” Dick Pole, born Richard Henry Pole was a pitcher with the Red Sox and Mariners in the ’70s. Pole also is a former pitching coach for the Cincinnati Reds. Despite having the ultimate porn name, Pole chose a career in baseball and also chose to go by Dick, which seems quite imprudent if you have the surname “Pole.” If there weren’t enough penis allusions already swirling around this pitcher, he became most famous for getting hit by a line drive in the head. That’s right, Dick Pole sustained a head injury. The ball broke his jaw and Dick lost 90% usage of the vision in one eye. And what’s a Dick without his eye?
4. Lucious Pusey
Aw man. This isn’t a fake either. Lucious Pusey is a linebacker for the Division I-AA Eastern Illiois Panthers. What on earth were Lucious’s parents thinking when they signed the birth certificate? Lucious is the only Pusey I’ve ever seen with dreadlocks. According to Deadspin.com, Luscious Pusey has legally changed his name. His new name is Lucious Twatstein. Just kidding. It’s Lucious Seymour. But I think he should have gone with Lucious Seymour Pusey.
3. Dean Windass
Finally, a flatulence-related name. I was getting sick of all the dick stuff. Dean Windass is a former striker for Bradford City. The Englishman is known around soccer for his foul play. And with a name like Windass, foulness can only be expected. In November 1997, while playing against Dundee United, Windass earned himself 3 red cards. And in September 2006, Windass was accused of grabbing Cheltenham Town player John Finnigan by the nuts during a game. Windass, which I thought was the medical name of a condition I have after eating dairy, aims to be the all-time goal scorer in Bradford City history. Though maybe a dirty player, Windass certainly isn’t a stinker.
2. Misty Hyman
Could there be a better name for a female swimmer than Misty Hyman? Since she was a little girl, Hyman was always in the water dreaming of swimming for the U.S. at the Olympics. Hyman broke out at the 2000 Sydney Olympics when she won a gold medal in the 200m butterfly. However, after her improbable victory, Hyman dropped off and failed to qualify for the 2004 Athens games. Hyman has since disappeared from Olympic swimming. She now teaches young swimmers proper stroke technique and has released a DVD called “Go Swim Butterfly with Misty Hyman.” Just tell me the time and the place.
1. Rusty Kuntz
And finally, the #1 Dirtiest Name in Sports is Rusty Kuntz. Kuntz played outfield for the White Sox, Twins and Tigers from 1979 to 1985. Interestingly enough, his NBA counterpart was Chubby Cox – the male equivalent of the name Rusty Kuntz, however Cox didn’t qualify for this list because he played just seven games with the Washington Bullets in the 1982-83 season. Both Cox and Kuntz’s names feature adjectives modifying the plural form of a dirty word for a sexual organ. With regard to the name Rusty Kuntz, the adjective has dual meanings. The word “rusty” can mean “covered by or affected by rust” or, the definition I prefer in this case: “having lost agility or alertness; out of practice.” When coupled with Kuntz, a homophone of (let’s get it over with) cunts, the name means an out of practice vagina and any guy reading this who has been dating the same girl for a while knows about this phenomenon. As it is common to hear people say, “I’m a bit rusty on the tennis court” or “My Spanish is kind of rusty”, this former major leaguer gives rise to an entirely new usage. Ladies, the next time you meet a new guy and he’s badgering you to have sex with him, smile at him sweetly and tell him your cunt’s a bit rusty.
That wraps up this trip down the hilarity highway of raunchy athlete names. Drop us a line in the comments section if you have any additions to the list.