Courtesy of Miggity of The Ultimate Hatelist
I am beginning to lose faith in technology, as well as humanity in general, because as soon as we solve a problem by coming out with something totally fucking awesome, we really only create another problem.
I was nothing but a mere awkward adolescent when TiVo came to my town in January of ’99. People traveled from miles in every direction to gather around the window at the local Wiz electronic store. No one could believe it. No longer would man be a slave to network programming. No longer would an individual be subjected to dozens of stupid Geico commercials featuring a creepy stack of money that has eyes. It seemed like just overnight everyone got their own kind of digital recording device. It wasn’t too long after that before it began bringing out the worst in people.
What started out as the slight inconvenience of having to watch other individuals fumble around trying to find where the commercials end festered inside for long enough before becoming full-on displeasure. For the first time in human history, people would stop fighting over who gets to hold the remote (remind me to write a hate on people who it a “clicker”) and started fighting over who has to be the fast-forwarder during the commercials. This phenomenon known as “inverse remote demand” gave birth to the Bad TiVo fast-forwarder, who happens to have several forms:
- This is the asshole that fast-forwards 10 minutes into the show before their retard fingers can find the giant green button with the triangle on it.
- Essentially the opposite of Bad TiVo fast-forwarder #1. These people press play entirely too early forcing you to watch two minutes of Axe Body spray propaganda.
- More painful than numbers one and two, this genius watches two minutes of commercials before remembering the show is recorded, only to then fast forward 10 minutes past the show.
- (myself) is a crafty individual and actually a great TiVo fast-forwarder, perhaps one of the best in the world ever, but pretends like he’s bad just so he doesn’t have to be the designated fast-forwarder guy.
Perhaps the most frustrating aspect of the entire TiVo system is that technology actually has the capability to fix this. You don’t think TiVo knows the duration of commercial breaks? Oh, TiVo knows. If she knows to record all of my favorite non-pornographic shows to jerk off to, like Everyday Italian with Giada, Charmed, Law and Order: SVU and I Dream of Genie then she’s fully capable of skipping all the commercials entirely if she wanted to. But no, underneath her sexy beautiful, chrome exterior my TiVo is a corporate sellout. My harlot of a TiVo ensures I that I am exposed to every ad, even if it has to be in 1,2,3 or even 4 arrows of fast-forwardness. It pains me to know that your allegiance lies with them, TiVo; after all the dramas and games we’ve been through. It’s funny, TiVo – all my friends have girlfriends and wives to come home to, and ya know, I always thought we had something special going on. I know I’ve been working a lot lately and we haven’t been able to spend the same amount of quality time together, but it made the time we did mean that much more. You don’t love me at all, do you TiVo? Your silence says it all. I guess not all of us were programmed to love.
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