Courtesy of Miggity of The Ultimate Hatelist
The small, rudimentary bliss one extracts from a blow pop is so awesome it can only be measured in rainbows and sunshine. The moment your tongue caresses that oddly circumcised looking, artificially candy flavored pop of goodness like a virgin’s nipple, is just unbeatable. I love Blow Pops more than J.J Abrams likes time travel. I love Blow pops more than Cat Stevens hates America. I even love Blow Pops more than tweens and sex offenders love MySpace. They might even be as good as the soundtrack to Dazed and Confused. But don’t think for a second that the greatness of the blow pop can negate its hated attributes. The thin, plastic covering that lies between me and my daily serving of fruit and immediate gratification is an epic nuisance, made only more unbearable by the delicious sweetness it conceals and stubbornly defends. The Blow Pop cape is essentially the chastity belt of the candy realm.
I used to get so excited when the Blow Pop wrapper didn’t stick directly to the pop, only to get B.I.G. “Hold Ya Head” depressed when, through some anomaly of physics, it got stuck on the stick, forming pretty much the only uncool cape in history. All I know is that it gives the lolly pop the super power of being really fucking annoying and that any of my sorry attempts to remove this covering were more pathetic than AT&T’s rebuttal to Verizon’s new add campaign. Why is this wrapper so hard to get off the stick? If hymens were made out of blow pop wrappers, then all women would still be virgins. I’m also pretty sure they used knotted blow pop wrappers to strangle that guy in The Godfather Part II. If only New Orleans had the foresight to build their levy system with a nice, solid blow pop wrapper foundation. There was only one way to successfully remove the excess Blow Pop material and that was wedge your teeth between the pop and the stick and pull until either the wrapper slides off, your teeth chip or you accept your horrible fate of having to essencially give a blow job with a condom on. Now, that’s a blow pop’s (say from Charms).
Honorable Mention: The lie that if you bought a Tootsie Pop with the Indian shooting a star on the wrapper you would get a free one. Who made up this rumor and why do you hate me?
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