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Top 5 Career Lies for the Single and Unimpressive

Impress the ladies

Let’s face it, times are tough, and from what you’ve gathered from newspaper front-pages while buying your 3 AM hot dog at 7-11, the economy is worse than ever.  Having trouble impressing women with your modest success story? Do they run away screaming when you tell them that you are the assistant manager at Starbucks, and that you walk the Johnson’s dog on Mondays, Wednesdays, and alternating Saturdays?  Time to get creative, or better yet, just listen. Here is a list of careers that are sure to win you that girl. All you need is your mediocre looks, questionable ethics, and a straight face.

ENJOY! Just artfully dodge follow-up questions and hope that she doesn’t recognize you as that guy who bowled over three Wal-Mart security guards, wielding a 30 pack of two-ply toilet paper. Don’t forget to use the past-tense for resumes and job interviews.

5. Architect

George Costanza

George Costanza pretended to be an architect, so why can’t you? Architects are the best of both worlds: they are artists (sexy), but they don’t pay $300 a month for a converted bathroom in Brooklyn (not sexy). The only problem with this one is you will have to make up names of buildings. One high-school semester of French would help, but it’s not necessary.  Just use a lot of ambiguous hand gestures and try to say the word “Manhattan” at least three times in a sentence. Tell her if she plays her cards right, you might just name a building after her. This will make her feel important and will provide her with the cushion she needs to degrade herself later on.  Also, wear glasses.

4. Doctor (Aspiring)

Dr. House

Sure the profession isn’t what it used to be, but thanks to daytime television, being a doctor never quite lost its thunder. Just make sure you say you are an “aspiring” doctor. This will save you the trouble of actually naming what type of doctor you are and explaining why you’re holding a $2 pitcher of Bud Light. Just tell her that you’re taking the M-Cats in a few weeks, you’re really swamped, and that you were originally inspired by watching Grey’s Anatomy (or House if she has three or more piercings, and E.R. if she is above the age of 60).  Pray that nobody of reasonable proximity chokes on a martini olive, and you, my friend, are smooth sailing.

3. Brad Pitt Stunt Double

Brad Pitt shirtless

She may seem shocked at first and might not even believe you. But don’t worry; give it a couple of minutes and eventually she’ll reluctantly agree with your insistence that you and Brad’s ears have similar curvature and that your hair-lines are basically identical. Re-assure her that US Weekly accidentally photographs you on a daily basis and that you’re just plain shocked that she didn’t ask you herself. Tell her you took 30 punches in one day on the set of Fight Club, and that it was actually your bare ass in Troy. Share with her about how Brad often confided in you about how the sex with Angelina was great, but how he wished they could be more intimate. Seem concerned. You will do just fine.

2. Peace Corps

Peace Corps

With the recent rise in natural disasters and questionable foreign policy (trust me), charity work has become sexier than ever. Make sure to mention Haiti and maybe even Darfur if you are feeling frisky. She’ll most likely have heard of these places in some passing context, and bars don’t usually have maps, so you shouldn’t have to point them out. Talk about the indigenous people and how you fell in love with their perseverance. Indigenous means native…explain this to her. Avoid political affiliation (shouldn’t be a problem) and that story about how your friend gave you 5 bucks to kick a homeless guy.

1. Rock Star (aspiring)

Keith Richards

There you have it folks. In the world of dating and random debauchery the rock star is king, and if you’re able to pull this one off, you could be some kind of lesser royalty. Maybe a Duke. Anyway, “aspiring” is key again here. This will save you the trouble of thinking of a song title she might know, or the name of your band. Just tell her that up until this point you were more or less “underground,” but your breakout is just around the corner. This should suffice. When asked what instrument you play, say something with the word “lead” in it. Tell her your music is a mix between Nickelback and Elvis. Talk about that time you broke your arm while being swarmed by a group of fans, that from your angle seemed mostly female. Just try not to let her catch you putting Lady Gaga on the jukebox. Or rather… let her.

What do you care? You’re a Fucking Rock Star!

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