The word “douchebag” is tossed around so haphazardly nowadays that many of us have forgotten its true meaning. Yes, we can take the term at its literal definition – a small object with detachable nozzles used for vaginal hygiene, however its more mainstream usage is meant to describe an individual who has an over-inflated sense of self worth, compounded by a low level of intelligence, behaving ridiculously in front of peers with no sense of how moronic he appears (courtesy of UrbanDictionary.com). Now that we have placed a definition on the modern douchebag, it would be wise to familiarize ourselves with the warning signs to look out for in order to identify a douchey individual among your present company. Keep the five following red flags in mind at all times as douchebags know no boundaries and can infiltrate your next party, classroom, family function, or even worse – friendship or relationship.
The Blow Out
A&E’s “Growing Up Gotti,” a series that set back the proud Italian culture several centuries, featured über-douches Carmine and John Gotti Agnello – two pioneers that immortalized the blow out for scores of Jersey Shore meatheads that proudly pump their fists in testosterone and hair-gel induced unison. Known to many as the most ridiculous looking haircut to ever be sported by white dudes, the blow out is an extra long tape up that is gelled into spikes, making the hair look like an extremely greasy afro. This ludicrous hairdo is often accompanied by sideburns that scream “Look at me, I just watched Scarface 42 times this week and will fight anyone who doesn’t agree that James Gandolfini is the best actor since the silent film era.”
The Popped Collar
Men have sported popped collars as early as the 18th century, the only difference is that they were originally called upturned collars and were an acceptable form of dress. If you need proof of this, just look at any portrait of the founding fathers or watch Amadeus (you know what, even if you don’t need proof, watch Amadeus anyways – it’s a hell of a film and won the 1985 Best Picture Oscar, you’ll thank me later). The creation of the polo shirt reintroduced the upturned collar under its current name today – the popped collar. Famous tennis players and golfers unfolded their collars as a means of shielding their necks from the sun. So, if athletes and celebrities are doing it, then why is the popped collar douchey? For one, a majority of popped collar abusers neither play golf nor tennis. In fact, the chances are slim that they play any sports at all (weight lifting and masturbating while crying do not count). Furthermore, popped collars rarely serve any practical means. They remain upturned indoors and at night without any risk of sunburns – just another instance of douchebags just trying to look cool. Forget busting CEO’s for white collar crimes and let’s focus our attention on cleaning up our campuses from popped collar criminals like preppy frat boys and over-intense intramural athletes.
The Sideways Hat
Call me old fashioned but the only way I wear my hats are forward with the brim aligned comfortably above my eyes. I have no real beef with the backwards hat, but from what I understand, some people (girls in particular) find it to give off a slight air of douchiness since they think it has gone the way of the piano key necktie and went out of style at the end of the ’90s. Now, as for the sideways, tilted hat – this look is a far cry from anything that can be considered socially acceptable behavior. In high school, we are taught three types of geometric angles: acute, obtuse, and right (90 degrees). Little did we know that there was a secret fourth angle, drawn to a degree so precise that it could cause any observer to immediately grow irritated and enter a Bruce Banner/Incredible Hulk like state of fury. Yes, I am of course referring to, the douchebag hat angle. Measuring roughly 45 degrees, lying perpendicular to the crown of the head and covering much of the eyes – these clowns surprisingly know their math and manage to keep their silly ass Von Douche trucker caps at the side of their empty skulls for a full night complete with energy drinks and break dancing.
Tattoo
If you have a meaningful tattoo then I am totally cool with it. Your initials or the initials of a loved one, a picture of your favorite cartoon character, hell even the Superman tattoo will fly with me – but it ends there. The tattoos that I immediately chalk up to being born with the douche gene are tribal art, Chinese lettering, and the inexplicable barbwire around the bicep. Ok, let’s attack the obvious first – the barbwire arm look wasn’t cool when Bill Goldberg sported in during his reign of terror over WCW and last time I checked, most douchebags can’t execute a successful spear-jackhammer finisher combo so, chances are, it won’t look too good on them either. As for tribal designs and Chinese lettering, I seriously doubt that anybody who gets these tattoos understands the true meaning behind the artwork. More often than not the asshole that thinks the giant Chinese character on his chest translates to “Tiger” really has the word “Ball sack” plastered on his ’roided up pecs. I’d love to see one of these jackasses hit on a sexy Asian chick who sees the equivalent of a “Kick Me” sign on the poor guy’s back. I honestly have more respect for a guy with a butterfly tramp stamp on his lower back, at least it probably has a funny, drunken story behind it.
Ed Hardy/Affliction T-Shirt
In the interest of full disclosure, I have a confession to make: I am the owner of two Ed Hardy t-shirts. Although they were gifts, I must admit that there was a time when I wore these shirts somewhat regularly and saw no problem with it. Not until now do I realize that there is nothing cool about being one of the 40 guys in a bar each wearing a shirt with one of the following pictures on it: a skull and crossbones marked by the words “Love Kills Slowly,” a bull with smoke coming out of it’s nose, or the always intimidating snarling tiger. I have since retired these played out, trendy t-shirts to the bottom of my drawer beneath my JNCO jeans and And 1 basketball shorts. I can proudly say that I have never owned, nor considered purchasing an Affliction shirt. Affliction apparel costs upwards of $55 per shirt and I have found more fashionable clothing at a thrift shop. Price, however, is not my biggest hang-up with Affliction… no, what really grinds my gears about these shirts is that the douches who wear them only do so to imitate the MMA fighters like Randy Couture and Brock Lesnar who made this shitty line of clothing famous. If a douchebag happens to be a trained expert in Muy Thai or Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, then by all means throw on some Affliction gear, otherwise stick to your pink Polo shirt.
