Everything that could be said about Steve Jobs has already been said. He invented the Personal Computer, changed the world forever, blah blah blah, yada yada yada. But it seems like the world has latched onto the death of Steve Jobs, and because of that, all other news has ceased. So fudge it. We made a list of Apple things that have nothing to do with Steve Jobs.
Apple Pie
It’s the most American thing there is. I don’t think there’s any pie in the world that can measure up to warm apple pie, plus Jason Biggs sticks his dick into it in American Pie. I don’t see the correlation between apple pie and vaginas though, except for the warmth. Pretty sure veejays don’t smell of cinnamon and have melty chunks of fruit hidden deep inside. Unless I’ve been missing something. But I digress – apple pie is the stuff, pure and simple.
The Big Apple
New York City – people powerwalk everywhere, pretend that the screaming, wheelchair-bound crackheads don’t exist, and generally feel like they’re better than the rest of the world. I should know, I spend every day of my life here. But that still leaves us with a burning question: why the fudge is NYC called “The Big Apple” anyway? Well, I did about 30 seconds of research and discovered it’s most likely because of the Dutch – those cheeky European bastards loved apples, and cultivated them here when they first settled the area. When the British arrived, promptly tossed them out, and claimed the land for themselves, they nicknamed it after the wealth of apples that grew here. You’d be hard pressed to find an apple tree in NYC nowadays.
Apple Martin
It’s Gwyneth Paltrow’s daughter, duh! And that Coldplay douchebag Chris Martin is the father, but who gives a flying fudge about him. Why they decided to name their pride and joy after a crunchy, sweet fruit? No one really knows or cares, but I’m going to follow their lead and name my daughter “Pomegranate.”
Appletini
The gayest drink on this side of the rainbow flag. But even the manliest of men is allowed to get flamboyant every once in a while and indulge in an appletini. Case in point: Justin Timberlake, playing Sean Parker, drinks a few in The Social Network. That’s two awesome dudes sucking down appletinis at once. Double bonus!
Apple Bottom Jeans
Both a terribly catchy T-Pain song and a brand of hip-hugging pants for wonderfully curvacious ladies (coincidentally, the company was started by rapper Nelly). The jeans are an amazing invention, so thanks Nelly…but I still don’t like your music. At least you’re better than T-Pain though – I see nothing to like in a guy who abuses auto-tune and wears a top hat for a living. Damn that song, it’s already stuck in my head and I didn’t even listen to it.
Bobbing For Apples
America’s favorite pastime. Oh, that’s baseball? Well, this is a close second. Bobbing for apples is great because it’s our country’s biggest inside joke. You get the bobber all excited to win something by sticking their face in a barrel, but the fun part is being a bystander – looking on at this idiot trying to get his or her mouth around an apple while also partially drowning themselves in an old, mildewy tub.
Adam’s Apple
Every dude has an Adam’s Apple, and if you find a nice girl with one, look out – she might be hiding something. But why is that lump in your throat that makes your voice all deep and boomy called an Adam’s Apple anyway? The name is actually derived from a biblical event – you know the one I’m talking about. This self-obsessed bitch named Eve steals an apple from “The Tree of The Knowledge of Good and Evil” and feeds it to Adam, thus completely ruining existence for the rest of humanity. Thanks, Eve. Anyway, the apple gets lodged in his throat and stays there. So there you go: you have a piece of apple stuck in your larynx, and it’s making you sound like a man. Sounds about right.
Applebee’s
A restaurant with half-off appetizers after 10 PM and a reputation for making me wanna kill myself every time I eat there. Seriously, it’s just terrible, all the time, no matter which one you go to. Just stay away. On a side note: there are neither apples nor bees at Applebee’s. Interesting…
Pineapple
A fruit that is neither pine nor apple. It doesn’t even look or taste like an apple, although it’s totally delicious in its own unique way. I’m starting to think that humans are just obsessed with the word “apple”…
Apple Records
Oh wait, scratch this one – Steve Jobs had to weasel his way into it. Apple Records is the label that The Beatles started all the way back in 1968. When Apple Computer came along in 1978 there was a legal dispute that was settled for $80,000 and this provision: Apple Records can never get into the computer business, and Apple Computers can never get into the music business…whoops. Seems like Steve Jobs forgot about that part, because he totally created iTunes, iTunes store, iPods, added MIDI and audio-recording functionality to his computers, and all other kinds of music-related goodness. But the two warring factions of Buddhists finally came to some sort of deal in 2010, and now the entire Beatles discography is sold in the iTunes store. They even advertised it like crazy on Apple.com when it first happened.
