Let’s be honest, you didn’t wake up in time to catch the AM appearance of 11:11, 11/11/11. I understand – I’m not a huge fan of waking up before noon either. But don’t fret, you still have one more chance to catch an event that only happens once every hundred years. Here are a collection of some good wishes for when that moment comes.
1. I wish I had the perfect on-campus parking spot.
No one wants to stay on campus forever, but it’s so much easier to just wake up and walk to class than it is to drive there. The commuter parking lots are a war zone, and I’ve actually seen fist fights for parking spaces. Nothing is worse than having to park in Guam, and that’s why my very first wish would be for a personal parking space right next to the door of the lecture hall. Wouldn’t you agree?
2. I wish I had a lemon-lime Gatorade water fountain next to my bed for hangover convenience.
It’s 4 AM, you’re hammered drunk, and you just wanna fall face first into your pillow and pass the fudge out. At no point do you even consider the idea that you might wake up tomorrow in a world of pain, craving some electrolytic drink. Any attempt to get up and go downstairs is quickly thwarted by a massive headache and the overwhelming need to spew your brains out. If you had a Gatorade fountain right next to your bed, that’d be the tits.
3. I wish the girl looked like how I remembered her looking the night before.
By the time you wish this it’ll probably be too late to fix last night, so let’s put it in future tense: “I wish the girl I’m going to bang tonight looks just as good tomorrow morning.” Maybe then you won’t have to kick her to the curb and giggle as she takes a very embarrassing walk of shame. You also won’t have to deal with all of your friends thinking you have the lowest standards on planet Earth. Double bonus.
4. I wish my sweatshirts walked back home after they dropped off that girl.
I can’t tell you how many sweatshirts I’ve lost to one night stands. These girls go out in the sluttiest clothes possible so they can look hot enough to fudge, with complete disregard for comfort or weather. You bring them back to your house and when you kindly ask them to leave in the morning they have the nerve to ask for something to wear. Something that you’ll never get back…unless you own a sweatshirt with a mind of its own.
5. I wish Evan Williams would become Jack Daniels when I pour it into the Jack Daniels bottle.
Everyone knows the old switcharoo. Drink a bottle of good alcohol yourself, and buy some generic stuff alcohol to fill the bottle with at parties. Then kids don’t complain because they think they’re drinking Jack. But it’d be even better if Evan Williams turned into Jack when I poured that stuff in, because then I’d drink it, too.
6. I wish that guy at the headshop would give me all those whip-its for free.
They’re so damned expensive. I just want to destroy my brain for free, is that too much to ask for? Thank you.
7. I wish I had a robot that would just sign me into class, stand up, and walk out the front door, so everyone knows I’m a boss.
I could easily sign myself in and leave like a champ, but it’d be much more convenient if I didn’t have to drive all the way to campus just to sign into class, just to leave immediately and drive all the way back to my house, where there’s a blunt with my name on it. I never take notes anyway, so it’d really just be a robot that mimics my awesomeness.
8. I wish I could join a fraternity without pledging, paying dues, or pretending to be friends with any of the frat bros.
Yes, I just went there. Realistically, I wouldn’t mind having the connections that come with being in a frat, but I don’t want to be hazed, I don’t wanna pay for friends, and I don’t wanna be friends with any of the lame dudes that have to pay for friends. You can’t hate me for that, bro.
9. I wish my pot dealer would get up off his lazy ass and come downstairs to sell me weed.
The lazy fudge always wants me to walk the 15 stairs to his room, and I’m not into it. I’m paying him good money for weed that he gets at a fraction of the price, so the least he can do is slip on his frickin moccasins and walk down to my room. And if you’re still confused – yes, he is one of my housemates.
10. I wish all my beef ramen would magically turn into steak, already cooked to perfection…with mashed potatoes. And a glass of dark frickin beer. The way god intended.
Don’t get me wrong, ramen is delicious in its own way – I’m pretty sure the taste is derived from how obnoxiously cheap each package is, but I’d do anything to get my hands on a cut of porterhouse cooked by a master chef, with some fixings and a tall glass of the finest brown ale…without paying the normal price. 65 cents for an entire steakhouse meal? Don’t mind if I do.
11. I wish I had permanent pledges to make wishes 1-10 come true.
This is pretty self-explanatory. Honestly, if you have pledges you can basically make any of the previous 10 wishes come true. They can hold a spot for you, bring you drinks and smokes, buy and cook you a steak dinner, collect your clothes from one night stands, sign you into class, and buy you whip-its. They can’t really make that uggo look any better though. They might be your slaves but they’re not miracle workers. Sorry.
