Alex Braun is the editor of Internships.com’s Eye of the Intern blog. You can read Alex’s weekly Coffee Run columns by clicking here.
It’s difficult to make a good impression if you’re tired all the time at your summer internship – unless, of course, it’s a forehead impression of the ergonomic keyboard you passed out on. That’s really easy.
In some cases, run-of-the-mill solutions like a coffee or stretching will prove totally futile. That’s when you need to ask yourself how far you’re willing to go to reclaim your cognitive functions. It may not be this far. I respect that.
Method #1: Drink extremely stuffty coffee. I’ve been arguing this for years: Waking up is not some fancy, pleasant stroll through the Garden of Leisure. If you’re truly serious about ripping out of a slumber, you want your coffee to be completely repulsive.
If your employer is frivolous enough to buy quality coffee blends (luckily, I have never encountered this scenario), your best option may be to just to bypass the brewing process and eat the raw beans or grinds. You’ll be better off if the bag is actually frozen. Trust me, your eyes will stay wide open.
Method #2: Frequently reset your phone timer. This is especially easy for iPhone owners with the scrolling selector. Choose a disturbing alarm noise (such as a screeching eagle or missile launch) and blindly spin the wheel until it lands on a time you’re not expecting. To enhance the effect, grip the phone in your teeth while you work.
Method #3: Steam your face. Fill a mug about two-thirds of the way up with boiling water from the coffeemaker, then lower your nose to within millimeters of the water’s surface. If you do this correctly, it should feel a lot like this scene from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, albeit on a much smaller scale.
Method #4: Light your socks on fire. This trick has amused me since sixth grade, but I still can’t approach it without thinking maybe this will be the time I actually light my whole leg on fire. There lies the awakening power. If you do this with white socks, the fuzzy fibers outside the sock should burn away, leaving the sock itself unharmed as a ring of fire travels along your foot.
You probably wear dress socks to work, though, and I’m not sure if those work the same way. So, uh…maybe hold off until I do some more research.
Method #5: Shine the LED on the bottom of your mouse directly into your retinas. THIS CAN CAUSE IRREVERSIBLE EYE DAMAGE. It also definitely works.
Method #6: Press something frozen against your cheek. It’s kind of a short-term solution, but a coffee mug that’s been in the freezer can be an excellent motivational tool. You will want to make sure your face is dry before you try this. If it isn’t, that’s pretty gross, bro.
You can also execute this move with a banana, but it’s a little awkward.
Method #7: The “Two Girls, One Cup” instant message link. Behold, the power of Bit.ly.
Method #8: Designate a wake-up call buddy. If you work with other interns, consider setting up a system wherein you periodically call each other to keep everyone alert. I like to spice this up from time to time by getting friends and relatives of the recipient involved. A theme like “Your pet Rufus is dead” can be very effective, unless your coworker does not have a pet, or it is not named Rufus.
