The FDA is cracking down even harder on Big Tobacco these days. They recently rolled out 9 new possible warning labels for cigarette packs that could cover up to 50% of the packaging. Apparently, not enough Americans know what carbon monoxide is for it to influence their decision to smoke. But are these warnings really going to reduce the amount of smokers in our country? Most college students don’t give a fudge whether or not cigarettes are harmful because – let’s be honest – everything you do kills you slowly in one way or another, so you might as well go down in a blaze of drugs, sex, and rock and roll. Plus, you look cool when you do it. Duh. Anyway, we got our hands on the possible warning labels and I’m going to review the effectiveness of each one from the most important perspective there is: The young, impressionable, and incredibly apathetic college student. Enjoy!
No duh. People who are addicted to cigarettes already know that. People who are thinking about taking up the habit don’t really process that information until way after they become addicted. Wanna know what else is addictive? Just about everything humans enjoy. Our brains are just wired to do things that we like, over and over again. People can be addicted to food, sex, even Facebook. Not all of those things can necessarily kill you, but then again: where on this box does it say cigarette addiction can be life-threatening? The dependency doesn’t kill you, the product does. The hole in the throat is effective imagery, but I don’t see the immediate connection between addiction and throat cancer. This one is a total bust.
Thank god I don’t have children (that I know of). This message is immediately lost on any college student. They don’t have kids, are never around kids, and don’t plan on making babies any time soon. You know, I’ve heard a lot of stories over the past year of children drowning in pools. I hear about that way more often than I hear about kids suffocating in Marlboro smoke. Maybe that should be something that we’re focusing on? Let’s gang up on the pool industry for their obvious indifference to the lives’ of children! Not that I don’t care about kids inhaling smoke – it’s definitely unhealthy in every way – but this label isn’t going to change anything.
Then why are you showing me a picture of a foot? Looks like it was a fairly healthy foot, too (yes, I understand that the guy is dead, but wouldn’t it make more sense to show a lung when you’re talking about a lung?). In fact, lots of things in this world emit stuff that can cause fatal lung disease (including cars, power plants, or basically anything that’s ON FIRE). They should probably give us a complete list of things we should stay away from so we don’t get this horrible disease. Wait a minute, are you telling me that I can get lung disease just because it runs in my family? Well, that blows: Now I have to make sure to stay away from myself, because I definitely don’t wanna have to deal with that stuff.
So does the sun. Let’s throw a giant warning label on that stuff. Microwaves cause cancer, why doesn’t my GE magic cooking box say anything about the possibility of it mutating my cells and ruining my life? Gamma rays surge through the universe uncontrollably and unpredictably, and that stuff is like pure death. Fuck, just about anything with a frequency can give you cancer, and our central preoccupation are these little burning sticks filled with leaves? They’re just like a benign cherry on the top of a giant galactic melanoma. Not gonna stop your average smoker.
Believe it or not, this is the warning that affects me the least. Heart disease and strokes run on BOTH sides of my family, so I’m all but guaranteed to get at least one of the two anyway. I don’t smoke cigarettes, but if I did, the knowledge that I’m pretty much fudgeed either way wouldn’t deter me from inhaling them on a day-to-day basis, at least for the minor comfort they would provide me when I think about my mortality. By the way, what does an oxygen mask have to do with heart disease or strokes? There’s no direct connection there. That image would be way more appropriate for the fatal lung disease warning. Just saying.
Okay, this one might as well say “children: buy me!” It looks like a frickin comic strip. And that’s the exact demographic that this message doesn’t apply to: young people who aren’t even worried about having kids, or don’t even know how babies are made. Big Tobacco’s motto has always been to hook them while they’re young, and I have to congratulate the FDA on helping them accomplish that goal. This was the label that immediately stood out to me as the most ineffective, lost on the audience, and perhaps even counterproductive.
Straightforward, direct, and understandable. This might be the simplest and most effective way of labeling cigarette packs with a warning. Unfortunately, life kills you, too, so cigarettes really aren’t doing much but speeding up the Earth’s most natural process – everything dies eventually. I know, I have a really dark outlook on life, so sue me.
Okay, this one makes no sense. This label is marketed towards nonsmokers, who aren’t buying packs of cigarettes anyway – So they’ll never see the warning. I guess it’s supposed to inspire the smokers who no longer care for their own health to at least pay attention to the health of others – but if they don’t care about their own lives, what’s the chance that they care about the lives of 7 billion strangers? And a lady crying? Come on, the least they can do is put a picture of a child with cancer. Then the warning might actually get the message across. Common frickin sense here, people.
The use of language here is a little confusing. Do they mean that if you quit smoking right now, in this very moment, you can greatly reduce risk to your health? Or maybe quitting smoking just didn’t reduce risks to your health in the past, but now it does? They should really try rewording that statement. Luckily, that guy is quite inspiring to people trying to quit – because I know I always aspired to be a Bill Goldberg look-alike, and now I know that if I stop smoking I can finally see that dream come true.
