Oh, pledging…a wonderful experience where otherwise perfect strangers come together in brotherly bondage to brave a storm of important tasks and tests, only to come out on the other side as brothers for life. While this has been going on for thousands of years, many of the rituals have changed with the times. What follows are some of the most intense “traditions” that you might or might not have heard of.
1. Mythical Hazing: The Elephant Walk
One of the best activities a Pledge master can bestow upon his class, The Elephant Walk is a sure-fire way of ensuring the initiates get to know each other on a deep enough level to “cross” over into the Fraternity. While blindfolded, the pledges must stand in a line behind one another, and as if that isn’t bad enough, they must put their right thumb into the sweet stinky butt of the pledge in front of them while gently grasping the willy of the one behind them with their left hand. While this is what most people do voluntarily when they want to be really close friends with someone, what makes it hazing is that it is forced. Lube is not an option.
2. Mythical Hazing: Man’s Best Friend
Men are dogs, and thus should be treated as such during the worst parts of any pledge process. During “hell week” the initiates must live in a basement, equipped with a collar, with nothing to eat but dog food. This obviously teaches the pledges what it means to truly become one’s “best friend.” There is also speculation that in some instances the pledge class must take care of a dog through the duration of the process, only to kill it in order to “cross.” This is obviously the premiere frat to join.
3. Mythical Hazing: Hike for Health
Most people think that pledging a Sorority revolves around sewing pillows and painting the nails of your Big Sister, but a lot of it is about teaching the girls good health and nutrition. Thus the Hike for Health is a staple in any process that chooses to implement it. Not only must the girls hike up a mountain in skirts, but also they must do so with a carrot in their vagina. Carrots are healthy for your eyes, your teeth, and your bones, so of course if any carrot falls out along the way, the pledge sister behind said vagina must eat the carrot. Not only does this promote healthy living, but also teaches the class about how not to be wasteful.
4. Mythical Hazing: Goat Cheese Please
This is usually a joke test where pledges must (while blindfolded) stick their fingers into the vagina of a goat until enough cheese clumps onto their fingers to feed their pledge brother. Any sensible fraternity would just conjure up some sort of fleshlight-type contraption and play a recording of a goat moaning with gratuitous pleasure. However, there are many insensible fraternities, and at a school where access to a horny goat is easy to come by, it is not unheard of to use a real one.
5. Mythical Hazing: Class Trip
Tripping on acid might seem like too fun and transcendental of an activity for a pledge class to be allowed to enjoy, and that’s why if a Fraternity does decide to dose their class, they better have some fun activities planned for them. One common one is to drop the spun out children off in the woods and subsequently shoot them with BB Guns, but this doesn’t teach them much about unity. This is why the better idea is to have the pledge class dig up a grave while they are tripping. It teaches them about goals while minimizing their ego and having them come to grips with their own mortality.
I do not endorse any of these bonding activities. Support Obama.
