Even as we perch like a lazy, fatass bird on the edge of economic ruin, our deadlocked Congress has yet to consult those learned citizens who are most familiar with massive debt: the college students of America.
Would we quickly orchestrate a brilliant strategy that avoids default, protects critical services, and does no harm to a recovering economy? I doubt it, but here are five ballsy strategy proposals that we could bring to the table.
Sell Strategic Reserves of Four Loko.
If the government still possesses a shred of competence, we know it must have a vast stockpile of the banned original formula packed away somewhere — like the warehouse at the end of Indiana Jones, but with more dry ice. Rogue bottles of original Loko were selling for about 10 times their original retail value last December, so we can only imagine how much value they hold now.
Tax Home Telephone Service.
If there’s one service price increase that is guaranteed to have zero effect on college life, it’s the cost of a landline. Let grandma pay for that stuff. It’s the 21st goddamn century.
“I’ll Hit You Back, Bro.”
So far Obama has played this option close to the vest, but we may see it emerge in the last critical hours if Congress fails to reach an agreement. True bro investors around the globe know in their heart that the United States is totally good for it, but they would be greatly encouraged to hear these five words from the chief executive – or, at minimum, get a solid fist-bump. If this fist-bump is immediately followed by hugging it out, we may not even have to touch Medicare before 2013.
Car Wash with Tri-Delts in Monte Carlo.
Foreign investors are mostly dirty old men, and Erica/Talya/Lindsay (potentially Kate, if there’s enough UV left in the basement) have a certain way with the elderly. When the afternoon is over, campus’s sleaziest may well have restored the full faith and credit of the United States financial system. And this time, we promise not to give them stuff about it.
Student Charge.
If all else fails, this is always on the table. Sure, it kinda seems like borrowing on top of borrowing, but it’s not exactly like real debt. There are no interest rates (right???) – although I have heard that you can buy Walking Tall on DVD for under $30 if you leave the Student Union.
Obviously, if all of the above options fail, we’re going to Cancun.
