Women are fickle. Not only that, but they’re out of their minds, too. Trying to a find a woman who complements you perfectly is like attempting to drop a deuce in the shape of an equilateral triangle – You just can’t do it. That’s why I prefer to be an emotionless pussy-pounding machine: I don’t know them, I don’t want to know them, and I couldn’t give less of a stuff about anything they think or believe. You may think I’m a misogynist, but it’s not because I have anything against women, it’s just that I want them to be a certain way that they just can’t, and never will, be. I’m sure every guy out there knows what I’m talking about. Let’s get creative with it: Here is a laundry list of character traits I expect from the perfect woman.
- Put the cap on the toothpaste…it’s just common frickin sense.
- Be a musician…musicians like actual good music, not that stuff that Ryan Seacrest tells you to like.
- Cook well…I can cook, so you better be able to cook also.
- Make the bed…because that’s something I just won’t do.
- Give me a blowjob when I’m too tired for sex…or when it’s your period.
- Or a hand job if you just went to the dentist.
- By the way, quit bleeding once a month.
- If you decide to keep menstruating, stay away from me 3 or 4 days a month.
- Don’t be upset if I cum and you haven’t…I’m sure you can take care of yourself.
- Don’t play stupid games to see if I care about you…I don’t really care: I’m a dude.
- Have a nice ass.
- Let me squeeze said ass in public places.
- Be able to eat candy and junk food and never gain weight…I have a wicked fast metabolism, you should, too.
- If not, just don’t eat…ever.
- If you can eat, you better like strawberry and cherry flavors. If you like grape or watermelon flavors, just give up now.
- Be content with laying about and doing nothing all day, every day, for a number of days.
- Wash your own damn dishes.
- Wash my dishes while you’re at it.
- Stop being so empowered.
- I can’t stress that last one enough.
- Make enough money to support yourself, me, and my habits, all without being too empowered.
- Support my decisions.
- Don’t be 6 feet tall.
- Rub my belly while I drop a log.
- Deal with my bad breath…I like cheese, fudge off.
- Don’t tell me that I can’t eat cheese, I frickin love cheese.
- Keep your vagina shaven…or at the very least neatly trimmed.
- And make sure it smells like freshly cut roses down there.
- Please don’t have a mustache…or any other hidden man-parts.
- Stop taking all the blankets when we sleep together.
- Wear heels…don’t be a quitter.
- Don’t complain that I don’t snuggle enough, then when I want to snuggle complain that I like it too much.
- I want to fudge every girl on TV, in movies, who can sing well, or who exists…deal with it.
- I will always have more love for my close guy friends than for you.
- Don’t instruct me to pull your hair during sex and then get mad when I smack you.
- Let me give you the shocker.
- I don’t give a stuff about your new dress.
- Get some friends who are girls so you can tell them about your new frickin dress.
- Sarah Jessica Parker is neither hot nor fabulous…deal.
- Women aren’t funny enough to be comedians, so stop making jokes.
- Instead, just laugh at my jokes.
- Don’t get mad when I pee in the shower, I’m frickin lazy and there’s a drain right there.
- Rip the toilet paper at the top…no one likes to use the toilet paper that hangs to the floor.
- If I hurt your feelings, don’t write about it in a letter. Man up and repress that stuff.
- If you’re feeling insecure about your body, don’t complain about it to me and expect me to tell you that “you’re perfect the way you are.”
- Don’t yell at me if I accidentally put it in your butt…those two holes are really close to each other. If anything, yell at God for making you that way.
- If I’m watching sports, either leave or put on a jersey and shut the fudge up.
- I don’t like your friends, stop talking about them.
- My friends don’t like you, stop talking to them.
- If you’re a girl and you made it to the end of this list without wanting to murder me, then drop me a line at TheCampusSocialite@gmail.com. I think this could be something real.
Yours Truly,
BJ Conundrum
