Holy frickin bye week, Batman! Six teams had a bye this week (well, based on the way Miami has played they’ve had a bye every week, but that’s neither here nor there) and let me just say that after suffering through this, I can really relate to the suffering of most breast cancer patients. That’s the point of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, right? Anyways, on to the recap:
Bengals 30, Jaguars 20
I wonder if the eponymous jungle cats of these respective “football teams” would be embarrassed by how un-tiger-and-jaguar-like these teams play. Yeah, I’m thinking about anthropomorphizing jungle cats. That’s what I do during stuffty football games.
Vikings 34, Cardinals 10
It’s probably a bad sign for the Vikes that even after being up 28-0, most people were probably not talking about how good they (well, at least Adrian Peterson) were playing, but talking about how they were going to royally fudge themselves this week.
Chiefs 28, Colts 24
Could the Colts go 0-16 this year? If so, does that mean Peyton Manning really is as good at managing games as everyone says he is? I hope the Colts win a few games just so I don’t have to wear a poncho while watching ESPN to protect myself from collateral saliva splatter from their collective mouths on his pale dong.
Steelers 38, Titans 17
Here’s an idea: For an offensive line, the Steelers can pay two guys can jut stretch some saran wrap out in front of the defense. That can’t go be any worse than their current assemblage of failures and rejects.
Seahawks 36, Giants 25
Tough game there for the G-Men. I hope Olivia warmed up some extra breast milk for Eli, he needed it after that one.
Raiders 25, Texans 20
So as a Denver fan, I found it hard to find a soft spot for noted vampire Al Davis. I’m sure whoever fed him that garlic was fired. Anyways, the Raiders went out and won one for Al, and right now they actually look like the best team in the AFC West. Fuck.
Saints 30, Panthers 27
Since the Lions have been playing so well, they’ve become the new Saints. That is, they are the new good team in the “City That Needs It.” You know what Detroit needs? Some frickin jobs, not a goddamn football team. The Saints play the Lions on December 13. I believe the winner of that game determines whether Katrina or the Recession is the worse national disaster.
Bills 31, Eagles 24
I wonder if Mike Vick ever lost any dogfights because his dog jumped too soon. If so, I’m sure how he felt on Sunday was familiar.
49ers 48, Buccaneers 3
Are the 49ers actually…good? They’re 4-1 and frickin destroyed a good Bucs team. It seems weird to say that a team in the NFC West might actually be anything more than barely mediocre. The AFC West is the new NFC West.
Chargers 29, Broncos 24
And speak of the devil; it’s the AFC West! The supposed division favorites could barely pull out a win against the absolutely horrible Broncos. The more important issue at hand, though: Tim Tebow definitely collects Nazi memorabilia. His basement probably looks like Hitler’s bunker in April 1945.
Patriots 30, Jets 21
I hate to admit this, but the Pats’ red throwbacks are some of the best jerseys in the league. That’s another similarity between them and the Nazis; yeah, obviously you hate them, but damn those uniforms look nice. (Oh and there’s two unfortunate Nazi/ Hitler jokes in a row. Come fudge with me Hank Williams, Jr.)
Packers 25, Falcons 14
I’m pretty sure Aaron Rodgers intentionally let the Falcons jump out to a big lead. He was bored of straight up beating the stuff out of his opponents, so he just wanted to see what it felt like to lead a comeback.
Lions 24, Bears 13
The Lions are 5-0? This must have been one of the terms of the new CBA because no way this is actually happening. Big win for Detroit, minus the whole complete economic despair thing. We’ll see if this lasts.
