With so many college students back on campus and ready to hit the bars this weekend, I thought it would be wise to ensure that you all can make it by the dreaded doormen who are looking only to send you home early, alone, and painstakingly sober. Believe it or not I was once underage and through my many early barhopping experiences – some hilarious, some dangerous, all memorable – I have acquired many tools of the trade on just how to finagle your way into a night of sloppiness even if you haven’t reached the golden age of 21. So whether you apply this advice this weekend or this coming semester to an unsuspecting bouncer at your campus watering hole, be grateful that the Campus Socialite is willing to go the extra mile to guarantee that you are chock full of hard to argue with excuses on why you belong in the bar.
While I understand the legal and ethical boundaries that are crossed when suggesting methods for weaseling your sub-21 year old ass into an age-restricted bar, I feel as though it is justified for several reasons. First off, who are we kidding, you are gonna drink whether it is in a bar, dorm, Red Lobster, Chuck E. Cheese…wherever, and secondly, if you are responsible enough to live on your own at college then you should be trusted to enjoy your nights out responsibly even when around alcohol. I will avoid discussing fake IDs because these open up a whole can of worms and can leave you in some serious stuff if busted, so proceed at your own peril but promise me you will use an ID more believable than McLovin’s. So without further bullstuffting, here are some of the finest tactics to gain entry into the promised land of booze, broads, and bar food.
The Wristband/Hand Stamp Scheme
You don’t need to be Jack Bauer to pull these off as some colored tape or a Sharpie marker and some teamwork will go a long way. If your bar requires wristbands to be worn by of-age drinkers then you have two options: one is to take a wristband from someone who is leaving the bar but this may be difficult since they are hard to remove without ripping. The other move is to get your hands on some multi-colored paper tape, roll out with four of five different colored wristbands, and slap on whatever the color of the night before entering. Just like everything else under the sun, this paper tape is available online for a cheap price. As far as hand stamps are concerned, this is where things get a bit trickier, but, if you have a good artist for a friend, you should be home free. The proven technique is to try to draw a duplicate of the stamp and run a fiercer smear campaign on the Sharpie ink than the Democratic Party did to Sarah Palin. Once smeared, the stamp will look more legit as bouncers will believe you have been in and out of the bar all night, how else could they account for the worn out stamp?
The Fake Return
Doormen see hundreds of people throughout the course of the evening and it is impossible for them to remember every face – you must capitalize on this weakness. The “Fake Return” works best as your first effort to get into the bar since bouncers are more likely to recall people they recently rejected. Simply approach the door and continue walking as if the bouncer is not even there, if he doesn’t stop you then you are a legend, but in the likely case that he does, then just act as if you were already inside. With enough confidence and conviction, any smooth talker can convince a bouncer that they had already spent part of the night in their establishment and are going back in to finish off a drink.
Sneak Attacks
Sneak attacks are not usually for the faint of heart like those guys with little or no balls or ladies who left their ovaries at home. The safest move is the “all-night meal” where you go to the bar early when it is in restaurant/grill mode and no ID is required for entry. Order food in small, appetizer portions and continue to eat for hours until primetime hits and business picks up. Hopefully your ID will go unchecked with the distraction of a fast arriving and wild crowd. Another more dangerous option is going in through the back door of the bar, a strategy reserved strictly for ninja drinkers. As one who has gone back door nearly as many times as Ron Jeremy, I can tell you that it has its risks. The best way to enter through the back is to have an inside-man who works at the bar, or a crazy friend who will walk into the back area and let you in directly. Just knock on the door to let them know you are outside and they can open up a path for the underground railroad to roll through.
Networking/Negotiating
Life is all about networking and who you know and the bar scene is no exception. I worked for one semester as a doorman at the most crowded bar on campus and instantly gained about 800 friends. People were telling me that we had classes together that I never even enrolled in, one girl even said we had sex our freshman year (this may have been true, I did drink a lot in those days). The point is, that if you have an in with somebody in a position of power then there is no reason not to exploit it and use it to your advantage. Whether it is as simple as dropping a familiar name or making known your connection to a bartender or bouncer, a relationship with the bar and its employees can go a long way. If the sweet-talking isn’t working, it may be desperation time and if you really want to get into the bar, you should introduce the doorman to a few of your friends: Alexander Hamilton ($10) and Andrew Jackson ($20). Personally, I think anything over $10 to get into a college bar is obscene but who am I to put a price tag on the your potential night of debauchery. Girls have more tricks at their disposal than guys and can run the gamut from crying to flashing the bouncer in an effort to win him over and get through the door. Just choose one or the other because, as a former doorman, I can say that nothing is stranger than seeing a sexy lady bawling her eyes out while showing you where milk comes from.
So there you have some of the time-tested and effective ways of bypassing the network of IDs, doormen, and well… the law. If all of the above fail then you can always just hop on a bus to Mexico or Canada where 18 is the magic number to make some bad decisions. Remember the key to getting in anywhere is confidence and the Obama-like spirit that “Yes we can drink, regardless of our date of birth!” If you have any additional suggestions on how to manipulate your way into the bars, please drop us a line in the comments section. Have a great opening week Socialites!
