Ladies, as much as we all love reading it, I hope no one takes the outrageously bad advice in this issue seriously. And guys—if your girlfriend tries to lick your eyeballs this month, you’ll know why.
“60 Hands-Free Ways to Wow Him”
Even though I didn’t need to read this article, since I wow everyone no matter what, I took a peek at the tips Cosmo compiled from “sex experts” and “normal guys” on how to tantalize your man without using your fingers. Here are some gems (and yes, they’re real):
#35 “Run your feet and toes up and down his legs, dragging your toenails lightly against his skin as you go.” –Sonia Borg, PhD
Yes, because nothing is sexier than being woken up in the middle of the night to the feeling of sharp toenails crawling up and down your legs.
#54 “On a cold night, I went to my girlfriend’s place. She put my member under her armpit. It got me hot, fast.” –Andrew, 22
Seriously? Of all the places on a woman’s body that could turn you on, you choose to stick it in her sweaty pits??? Either I am a giant prude or Andrew and his girlfriend are just gross. Furthermore, how did this scenario even come to pass? It’s not like a penis can just accidentally wind up in your armpit. Did she lube up with some Lady Speed Stick before he came over? Or did he catch a glimpse of some tantalizing pit stains and decide to ravish them on the spot? So many unanswered questions…
#19 “My wife was working my johnson with her toes.” –Doug, 31
Ew, more toes! First of all, Doug, why would you want your wife’s feet anywhere near your “johnson”? Unless she is a chimp, how could her toes possibly “work” it? And let’s hope she wears flip-flops in the locker room, because athlete’s foot just opens up a whole new can of worms.
#44 “Lick his eyelids, and then blow on your saliva.” –Sadie Allison, PhD
Anyone who licks their partner’s eyes as foreplay either belongs in a straightjacket or is a species of poisonous lizard. And I don’t know where in the world Drs. Sonia Borg and Sadie Allison got their PhDs, but I don’t think Harvard or Johns Hopkins award doctorates in toe-scratching and eyelid-licking.
“The Moment He’s Most Likely to Cheat”
The article first explains that men are most likely to cheat when their testosterone levels spike, such as when they see a beautiful woman.
So what can you do to “prevent your guy from ever being tempted”? Do things to spike his testosterone levels when he’s with you, like complimenting him or trying something new in bed (armpits, anyone?) That way, “when he is exposed to an attractive woman he’s never seen before, he won’t feel anything more thrilling or powerful than he feels in his relationship with you.”
Not only is this “cheat-proofing” strategy totally creepy, the article assumes that guys are drooling idiots who have no choice but to obey their hormones (Okay…but seriously). Guys cheat because they want to cheat, so instead of desperately trying to boost his testosterone levels, it’s a lot more effective to stop dating jerks and continue using your armpits as nature intended.
“Are You Running Out of Time to Have a Baby?”
No, I don’t think so Cosmo. But if any of your readers are taking your advice on toe-foreplay to heart, I can understand why they might have trouble finding someone to reproduce with by age 35.
“Breast Check”
According to a doctor named (I’m not even kidding) Doris Day, “Cold, dry winter air can leave breast skin itchy.” What I would like to know is who is walking around with cleavage in below-zero temperatures? If the wind is chafing your breast skin, zip up your parka!
“Interview: Ashley Greene”
Apparently the Twilight actress and cover model showed up to the interview “wearing jeans, a crewneck black sweater, and ballet flats.” For some reason, the hard-hitting journalists at Cosmo always describe what celebrities wear to their interviews. If I’m ever famous enough to be in the magazine, I’m going to show up in my pajamas just so they’ll have to write that I “wore flip-flops, glasses and Tweety Bird-print sweatpants.”
Next, Cosmo tells us what we’re all dying to know: She ordered asparagus soup and a chicken sandwich during the interview. But really.
Finally, we learn her secret to a successful relationship: “When you talk to the media, it adds pressure to a relationship…it’s better to just stay quiet.” Then, four paragraphs later, she announces, “I will be the first one of my friends to get married!”
