By Finn Finkel
The dreaded one night stand. You have finagled your way into the promise land, and seeing as how the night before you were three-quarters of the way to getting your stomach pumped (nothing new), you have no idea how it actually occurred. You wake up in foreign territory. Why is this room so clean and decorative? Slowly and painfully, you roll over to look at the other side of the bed. The moment of truth. Will this be a sweep under the carpet or a triumph and accolade to add to the scrapbook.? Upon realizing it is an ex, a wildebeest or just a vagina who you have zero plans of being around when it awakes, you quickly start running down the options. This is a one night stand gone bad, and here is how you can escape.
Sneaky Sneaky
Just make a run for it. That is, if you manage to find yourself lucky enough to be on the outside of the bed. In medieval times this would be the equivalent of finding a chicken that stuffs golden eggs, well, not really, but in this situation it’s probably just as valuable. Now it is time to make a calculated decision as to when to grab the pants and shoes and make your departure, you don’t have to be James Bond but definitely put that lumbering hangover thing to rest for the next 10 seconds. Make a quiet mad dash and don’t look back. Great Success.
The Fake Phone Call
This one completely revolves around having good friends or actually knowing someone who will be awake at whatever early hour you are attempting to make your escape. Make the text I need a phone call and excuse to get the fudge outta here ASAP. Hopefully one of them comes through in the clutch, otherwise you’ll just reconfirm what you’ve always known, that your friends are dicks and you are going to need to hatch some revenge. Anyway you have a few routes to go after actually receiving the phone call, something school related or some made up volunteer work will usually suffice.
Bathroom Window Escape
One moment you’re just that drunk kid she slept with the night before, the next you’re motherfrickin David Blaine. Where did he just go? I thought he was peeing! Well, Well, Well sweetheart that wonderful view out of your bathroom isn’t so consequence free now is it? I will be pulling swan dives or making an escape rope out of your towels quicker than I came the night before. 2 Story jump? No problem, as long as I don’t have to cross paths with you again this morning.
Piss the Bed
No girl will want you out of her midst quicker than if you let loose. Now normally I don’t condone pissing anywhere you want unless there is a humor factor involved (Who am I kidding). Nothing will communicate a more efficient message than sending a steady stream of warmth creeping up your partner’s leg. WARNING: This could cause some future animosity in your direction, as you may have pissed all over her mattress and she may want some retribution. Or even worse the girl won’t want to bounce you the fudge out of her apartment and find the situation funny? (What the hell kind of self deprecating stuff is that? I just R. Kelly’d you and you are actually giving me the time of day?)
Of course if none of the above options seem viable you could always go the route of actually talking and having an awkward breakfast or something (anyone up for a morning quickie?) the next day, but who really wants to deal with that? I’d be much more comfortable shoveling fried egg sandwiches and Gatorade down my gullet watching SportsCenter, and I mean it really is all about me.
