Everyone knows that there are always two sides to the same coin. Good and Evil. Christian and Jewish. White and Urban. Essentially all things, while inherently different, are the same. Higher Education abides by this same principle with the concept of excused and unexcused absences. Excused absences, like the name suggests, are absences that are excused for reasons such as a doctor’s note or having sex with your teacher. An unexcused absence comes when you over sleep, or didn’t do your homework, or get high and forget to go to class. However, you don’t always need a doctor’s note to get an excused absence. It just takes a little bit of finesse and a whole lot of lying. Here are some excuses that will get you off the hook for missing your Women’s Studies class. They’re all way better than “my Grandma died.”
1. My Dorm Got Broken Into
When I had a dorm, I would use this excuse at least once a semester. I would usually use this excuse if I overslept and missed something important–a quiz or handing in an essay. I would wait about an hour after the class had started and I would e-mail the professor and tell him my story.
“Dear Professor: I’m sorry that I missed your class, but my dorm room got broken into when my roommate and I were out. Luckily, nothing really important was taken, but we both had to go down to campus security and file a report. I’m really sorry that I missed the class, I won’t let it happen again.”
2. The Response
This usually works on TA’s and young teachers. If you have a teacher in their twenties, they will undeniably still have faith in the education system, and will try to be like Robin Williams from Dead Poets Society. Essentially, this means that all they really want is to see that you are engaged with the material and that they have taught you something. Feel free to miss a class or two, but instead of showing up, write them a lengthy e-mail about your take on that week’s reading. It’ll show that while your body wasn’t in the building, your head was in the books. They will totally accept the excuse, and will then write you back a pretty lengthy response to all of your thoughts. This solution might take a little while (you actually have to do work), but it will work, and will also help your participation grade.
3. My Mom’s Getting Her Treadmill Fixed And Needs Someone To Let the Repair Man In
For this to work, you need to tell a teacher that you’re going to miss class ahead of time. This excuse works in a number of ways. It’s so strange that no one would ever doubt it, and it shows that you really don’t have any choice about missing the class. What? Is your mom not going to use her treadmill? Does your teacher want her to get fat and ugly? Does she want your dad to leave her again? It’s so desperately specific, that they can only stand idle as you miss class and watch porn.
4. Strange Dog Related Excuses
My Dog ate my homework is old as hell. Almost to the point where it’s not even conceivable. Thankfully, dogs can hurt themselves in other ways that don’t involve eating paper–such as eating glass. You can say that you had a glass cup on the kitchen counter, and your dog jumped up and knocked it over, thus breaking it. Then, because of the liquid on the floor, your dog started to lap up the drink along with some of the glass. Either he had to go to the dog hospital or to dog heaven. Specificity is key in these excuses. The more outlandishly specific you are, the better your chances are of getting an unexcused absence.
5. I Tried To Transfer From The Class
This is a tough one, and it only works early in the semester when schedules are being rearranged. Miss a class and E-mail your professor or TA saying that you missed the class because you were working under the implication that you were going to have to switch out of their class (for scheduling reasons of course). Then say that your new theoretical schedule ended up falling through, and that you are going to be in his or her class again. In the E-mail, be sure to ask what it is that you missed, and if there’s any other work you could do to catch up.
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