*Gasp!* This article is about WHAT?! Yes, the hidden taboo world of female masturbation. You’d think with the way men fly their Right Hand Flag, we would finally be at liberty to freely discuss our own. Maybe not at the dinner table (let’s keep some class, shall we?) but at least over non-fat lattes. We are, however, getting closer, as many movies and TV shows have hinted at this unspoken act. But seeing as it was now recently broadcasted on the wide screen (thanks to a very passionate display from Ms. Natalie Portman in Black Swan), I believe this post to be quite appropriate for this new wave of sexual culture.
But first, I must ask: why is female masturbation still so…dirty? Is it because we don’t need a video of “Lonely Housewife and Mr. Plumber” going at it to enjoy ourselves? Or perhaps because there is a whole section of Condom World dedicated to making us happy (batteries not included). The real reason the act is still considered so taboo is that it remains taboo within our own community. Our own team is playing against us! And this in itself has some pretty devastating consequences.
Now, I have two friends with two different problems. Louise* is going through a dry spell. A very LONG dry spell. And when asked how often she relieves herself of this terrible drought, her nose scrunches up and she snidely replies, “I don’t violate myself that way.” Now, I firmly believe these snarky comments can be easily done away with in the shower with your friendly shower head (for the poor girl has wound herself up tighter than Mother Teresa’s knickers), but she is sadly sealing her own fate. If she only helped herself out from time to time, this personal desert could include her own little oasis.
My other friend, Thelma*, has been having some trouble in the bedroom. Her boyfriend is a runner and wears size 14 Nikes, so from the looks of it, he has what it takes to go the distance (lucky bitch, I’ve been asking Santa for this for years, and still nothing). But even though Christmas comes everyday for her, he still can’t make her happy. They pour over Cosmos, draw up diagrams, plan the schematics, use hot oils, and light “special candles,” the whole works…and still NADA. If only she understood the world would not end if she found her way down south. For as they say, you cannot properly tell your partner how to please you if you don’t even know how to please yourself.
Consider this: A healthy, normal, twenty-something male has probably masturbated close to a few hundred thousand times (assuming he started to get curious around 13, then proceeded to do it three seven times a week, for seven years, factoring in the occasional girlfriend as well as the occasional dry spell). And if he didn’t, that would be considered harmful. So why, pray tell, are girls too prude to even admit to it? Sure, we probably don’t do it as often as our male counterparts, but it’s like exercise- when added to a healthy lifestyle, it works wonders on the soul!
*Names have been changed for obvious reasons.
