For years, condom companies have been battling each other to see who can make the most pleasurable condom. Cum on condom companies, we all know there’s no such thing as a pleasurable condom. You can’t make a condom thin enough to make sex with a salami sling enjoyable. Now I’m not a fan of them; never have been, and never will be. But sometimes they’re necessary. There comes a time in everyone’s life (men and women alike) where you need to break that drought and the village whore becomes your slump buster. In that circumstance, you better wrap it up. Here’s a list of seven trusted condoms, and my personal experiences with them in 2010.
7. Durex Her Sensation:
I’m sorry ladies, but anytime I use a condom that says anything about “Her Sensation,” I know that really means, “No sensation for me.” If you make me put a ribbed condom on, I know you’re a selfish bitch, and there’s a 100% chance I won’t call you again. There’s little sensation, and I had to beg the girl to blow me in order to finish. That’s the last time I’ll ever put this Jimmy-Cap on again, and it was also the last time I ever spoke to “Selfish Bitch.”
6. Lifestyles THYN:
They say it’s so thin you’ll barely feel it, and they were right; because the condom broke in 10 minutes! Being the gentleman I am, I didn’t say anything to the lovely damsel I had randomly met in Maryland earlier in the evening, as I made sure to pull out. Can’t afford to have little Brians running around the country. You’re better off wrapping your tool with Saran Wrap if you’re worried about spreading your seed.
5. Trojan Very Sensitive:
It didn’t feel like I was wearing a condom at all. I felt like I had a wool mitten on. I couldn’t feel a thing, and lucky for me, neither myself nor my most consistent hookup of 2010 was feeling the prophylactic that evening. We stopped using condoms mid-sex from there on out. I suppose this condom bodes well for the quicker gents out there.
4. Trojan MAGNUM Thin:
I got a third of the way into this wiener wrapper and I couldn’t go any farther. My manager Rob is still working on contacting a few of my friends: Ghostface Killah, Dwight Howard, and Vinny from Jersey Shore, but they haven’t given him the time of day. Maybe they don’t like condoms much either.
3. Beyond Seven:
I’ve never heard of this brand until this year on the Campus Socialite Blitz and Beatz Tour when I asked a bartender at a popular Ann Arbor, MI bar if he had a condom on him. Lucky for me, he did and tossed me a Beyond Seven. I was intrigued by the modest appearance, but the fit was perfect, as they cater to an “average sized man.” (It’s made in Japan…no shocker there.) It was the best Semen Goalie I’ve ever used; although college bathroom bar sex may have skewed my perception. It was thin and very durable. The only con is that it may not fit you Ron Jeremy’s out there.
2. Durex Real Feel:
This is one of the two willy socks you’ll find in my night stand’s sex drawer. Other non-condom items include leather-bound handcuffs, a whip, and some other fudgeed up stuff for women’s eyes only. This guy’s thin, light, and you can actually feel stimulation. I told my good friend Tyler Spaulding, who literally gets paid to visit colleges and blog about them, that I was writing an article about condoms, and asked what his prophylactic of choice was. His response: “Who uses condoms?”
1. Trojan Ultra Thin:
Being that I’m stufffaced 99% of the time, drunk sex has become a reoccurring theme. Should I, or my queen of the night remember to wrap it up, my go-to is Trojan Brand, Ultra Thin. According to Trojan, they’re 25% thinner than the average condom. I’ve found whiskey dick stays away the longest, and even chicks have responded positively to this product. Positive in regards to satisfaction, definitely not for STD’s.
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