In 1962, The Beatles crashed upon the shores of America, and took the nation by storm. From that ground breaking year, until their eventual break up in 1969, the frenzy going on here in The States, and Internationally, could only be described as “Beatlemania.” The Beatles are still popular today, even 61 years after they last entered a studio as a whole, but “Beatlemania” is long gone. Today, there is a new and very different kind of mania that has captivated our nation. I’m referring to “Guidomania.” With shows like Growing up Gotti and the infamous Jersey Shore, Guidos and Guidettes have applied a stranglehold on our eyes, ears, and hearts. Like an aggressive parasite, “Guidomania” has spread like wildfire and won’t go away until it’s sucked out every last drop of life and decency. So I know what you must be thinking: what are the similarities and differences between “Guidomania” and “Beatlemania?” Are there any similarities? Any differences? That’s exactly why we created this comprehensive comparison list. Read on Socialites!
THE SONG
Beatles – I Want To Hold Your Hand
“I Want To Hold Your Hand” isn’t the first Beatles hit, and it’s certainly not the best one. But every time I see a documentary on them, or even at the bar when they’re in 60’s mode, I always hear the song. It’s the song that defines them, and as long as we’re still listening to music, and it hasn’t been banned by our oppressive futuristic robot/alien government, that song will withstand.
Guidomania – Pauly D’s “Beat The Beat”
Guido’s might say that music is a big part of their lives, but the truth is, what they refer to as music is more so a repetitive series of bassy noises, random female voices, and screechy sound effects mixed in to a giant mash of auditory nonsense. Something about this noisy mixture sends them into a frenzy, and they begin to rhythmically pump one arm in the air, and sometimes even beat the ground, presumably a primal act of marking territory. One of the songs they do this to is DJ Pauly D’s “Beat the Beat.” I’m not exactly sure why it’s any different than the others.
THE CLOTHES
Beatlemania – Suits/Hippie Clothes
The Beatles style sense spans 2 eras of American History. In the beginning they worse suits, paying respect to their 50’s predecessors like Elvis and Chuck Berry. Although suits were as conservative as they could get, The Beatles rocked it with the tight fit and the skinny ties. Later in their careers, as they became more immersed in the 60’s, they switched to something a little more decade appropriate, during the post-Rubber Soul hippie era. See your Uncle Rick who lives in the Catskills and doesn’t believe in Math for an example.
Guidomania – Tacky T-shirts, Tacky Jewelry, Tacky Jeans
When You think of Guido clothing, the last word that should enter your mind is class. If turning jeans and a t-shirt into “going out clothes” wasn’t bad enough, your typical Guido t-shirt is the most vomit inducing piece of clothing available in mass. Usually littered with misused and out of context sayings in Gothic lettering, and awkward color combinations, Guido T-shirts are anything but stylish. Add that to the excessive amount of tacky silver crosses, over-sized sunglasses, and big ugly rings…you have a clothing recipe that John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever would shake his big shiny head at. As for the girls, just go to your local sex shop, close your eyes, and pull something off the wall. In Guido Land, that’s called a dress.
THE HAIR
Beatlemania – Bowl Cuts
It might be hard to believe, but at one point in time, not too long ago actually, a bowl cut was an acceptable hair style. The Beatles rocked the bowl cut hard in the early years, and it was frickin cool. In the latter period, they let it go a little, joining their hippie brethren, but to this day, nobody can look at a bowl cut and not think of the Beatles. Greatest band of all time, cool. Making the worst haircut of all time look awesome, epic.
Guidomania – Tape Up, Blow Out, etc.
Luckily for us normal folk, Guidos use their hair to be immediately identifiable to each other and the rest of us. It’s how we know that when we walk into a bar and see nothing but a sea of spikes, it’s probably time to find another bar. A Guido’s hair is their trademark, and just like every other aspect of their life, it screams to heavens, I am a giant frickin douchebag. In case you’ve never witnessed it personally, the basic Guido hairstyling method is dumping an entire tube of hair glue into ones hair, and forcing said hair upward. Like everything Guidos do, it is not beyond the capabilities of a gorilla.
Conclusion
Ok, so maybe there aren’t any similarities between Guidomania and Beatlemania. Maybe they’re just about the two most different movements in American history. Sometimes two mania’s just aren’t comparable. Oh Well, hope you enjoyed anyway. All you Beatles Fans, keep on rocking. Guidos, sorry if I offended you. On second thought, Go Fuck Yourself!
