The main goal when you go out drinking is to have a good time and leave the bullstuff of your day behind you. Unfortunately however, there are always those bitches and douche-bags who go out with the less jovial goal of starting up some stuff. Dealing with people like this is never a pleasant situation, and if they’re feeling extra dramatic, it could end in some old-fashioned bar-room violence. If this happens you need a strategy, and as a recent participant in a drunken mini-brawl, I find it is my duty to pass along some words of wisdom. Hopefully with my advice, you will be able to win and end a drunken battle as quickly as possible
First a Disclaimer: THE MATURE THING TO DO IN THIS SITUATION IS TO IGNORE THEM AND MOVE AWAY FROM THEM TO PREVENT ANY DAMAGES/INJURIES/ARRESTS/ETC. But considering the fact that you’re probably wasted at the moment, most maturity has left your body, not to mention common sense. I’m not suggesting you go balls out and break a bottle on a bitch, but if you wanna get your point across with minimal disruption of your overall merriment, here are some useful maneuvers:
1. The Steven Seagal
This is best used when a bitch is up in your face with the “What’re you gunna do what’re you gunna do?” ghetto move. This is a) irritating and b) asking for it. Simply look away for a brief moment so they think they have you in submission and shame mode. Then reach over, grab their face, and shove (preferably hard enough to knock her off her balance). The next move is crucial. You need to take two steps back and get behind a guy. Any guy. Pick a guy. Because odds are, her friends are going to want to retaliate, and she might even start swinging.
2. The J-Wow Arm Bar
This little maneuver comes in handy while being approached by more than one whorish alcoholic. While having a confrontation with one biddy face to face, some of her friends my attempt to approach you from the side. When this happens, cross your right arm over your chest, and swing it upwards in one quick motion, so that it is perpendicular to your body, but more importantly, embedded into the throat of the troll nagging you on your right/left. This could potentially be paired with the Seagal for more experienced bar brawlers.
3. The Chuck Norris Drop Kick
Hey fancy feet, if you’re feeling particularly feisty, you could always get in their face, back up, and knee up knock out. This is probably going to do a lot more damage, so use with great caution, and understanding that you might not be aloud back in whichever establishment you stumbled into. Regardless, this one comes with a guarantee that your opponent will be backing off. Because who the hell drop kicks someone in a bar?
4. The Aunt Judy Uppercut
This is a little tip my aunt gave me when I turned 21. There will always be butts, along with irritating biddies at bars. For the men in particular, her suggestion was the uppercut. Why? Because you can throw your entire body into one little maneuver that they will never see coming. Even if you’re 5 feet and weigh 100 lbs, that’s still 100 lbs of force drilling right into that stuff-head’s chin. Although my Aunt’s intention was to protect me from a menacing dude, this maneuver works just as well on a girl. They will be uncomfortable, startled, and disoriented, giving you the perfect opportunity to run away!
5. The Charlie Sheen Win
Get out your Tiger Blood and splash it right in the face of that clam. #WINNING.
In the end, I’m a lover not a fighter, but I sure am glad I have this bag of tricks, just in case bitches be wild’n. I’m sure you’ll be thanking me come Monday morning.
