Last night I went to bed nervous and in a cold sweat. What would happen on Jersey Shore tomorrow night!?! After 2 seasons of television mastery, what could possibly unfold in season 3? Would Ronnie and Sammi get married? Would The Situation finally find love? Would Angelina return? Finally sleep came and GOD answered my call. All night I dreamt of Jersey Shore. Season 3 start to finish. I saw things…things that will shake this world on its foundation. When I woke, I knew that I had the answers but I decided to do the right thing. I called MTV and as of 10:00 this morning they have refused to comply with my demands for 2 million dollars, a pair of Taylor Swift’s underwear (for a friend), and the geographic whereabouts of Kurt Loder. The secrets are yours now my friends. Use them wisely.
Ronnie And Sammi: Brother And Sister
While in the midst of a conversation on the couch, Ronnie reveals to Sammi that he is an orphan. Sammi is shocked to hear his sad news and after some prodding, Ronnie begins to tell the heart wrenching story. It turns out he was abandoned. One night his childhood father, overcome with excitement after winning $200 at the OTB, disappeared leaving Ronnie waiting patiently atop the changing table in the men’s bathroom. Ronnie begins to cry and pulls a crumpled up picture from his wallet and explains that this is all he has left of his father. Sammie gasps! The dark hair, the crooked nose, the bottle of Mad Dog protruding from his mouth. The resemblance was uncanny to Sammi’s own father…Roy. The two then stare at one another for what feels like an eternity. They then proceed to have rough sex for several hours, stopping periodically to weep.
Pauly D: Not That Into Fist Pumping
It’s a typical night at the shore. The gang is tearing it up at the club, dancing their hearts out, and crotch raping every grenade that will have them. A circle forms with Pauly D in the middle and everyone waits patiently to see his fist pumping skills in person. To everyone’s dismay, Pauly D has tears in his eyes and shouts to the heavens that he hates, and has always hated, fist pumping. Shock comes over the crowd. The Situation asks what the deal is. D explains that he has never been that into fist pumping and just did it to make everyone happy. He speaks to nobody in particular, explaining that he has really been into The Macarena lately and wishes people could appreciate his diversity. The music then stops and the cast along with writers, directors, producers, and key grips begin a choreographed line dance to the 1995 hit. Pauly D can’t hide his smile.
The Situation?
All is pretty much the same for The Situation.
JWoww’s Boyfriend Tom Is Psychological Projection
During “T-shirt Time”, Snooki pointedly asks JWoww why she is on the phone all the time. JWoww says “I’m talking to Tom stupid. Who else would I be talking to?” Snooki asks “That guy I blew in the bathroom of Karma last night?” JWoww says “No my Tom. My boyfriend. He visits all the time. Tom.” Snooki doesn’t know any Tom. In fact, none of the cast members know any Tom. JWoww is speechless. Had she been imagining Tom all along? Tom then appears and explains that he is both a figment of her imagination and a psychological projection of her struggles with self-loathing and her abusive father. And that he’s been faking orgasms. He also explains that his intention is to blow up the shore house and that nobody, not even JWoww, can stop him. The two then begin a fight to the death, and Jwoww is heavily out matched, however, she comes to an epiphany and realizes she can hurt Tom by hurting herself. She then proceeds to pull a gun from her purse and shoots herself through the mouth, damaging Tom and symbolically demonstrating that she does not need him to survive. Tom vanishes. It is nothing like the movie Fight Club.
Snooki Is Midget In R2D2 Costume
After being cited by police for drunk and disorderly conduct, and what court papers refer to as “general douchebaggery,” letters from attorneys begin to appear at the house, mailed to Kenny Baker. Kenny Baker is of course the midget that was inside the R2D2 costume in the original Star Wars movies. Although Snooki is paralyzed with embarrassment, the rest of the cast is not all that surprised. There is a knock on the door. The Situation opens it and finds George Lucas standing on the porch. “Come with me Snooki,” Lucas says. “You are long for this Earth” (Whatever that means). Without a word, Snooki follows him out the door and the two climb into a pod racer. The racer takes off in a cloud of dust and disappears into a brilliant sunset. Snooki is never seen again.
Related from The Campus Socialite: Jersey Shore Season 3 Extended Preview!
