As the New Year approaches, you may find yourself thinking guiltily, “I should make some resolutions.” The problem is your packed schedule of perpetual drinking, sleeping, and occasionally showing up for class leaves little time for self-improvement. Problem solved: here are 5 resolutions that require the absolute minimum amount of effort.
Traditional Resolution #1: Eat Healthy Food
Minimum-Effort Resolution: Eat Edible Things
Most adults vow to start a diet on January 1, but this just isn’t going to work. First of all, the amount of carbohydrates you consume from booze alone in just one weekend is enough to make Dr. Atkins roll over in his grave. Plus, whenever there is an event at school involving free food, you know what it’s going to be every time: delicious, greasy, artery-cloggin’ pizza pie. Since it would violate the laws of nature to turn down booze or free food, instead of trying to eat healthier, just resolve to eat only things that are edible. This resolution is a lot easier to stick to…unless you enjoy eating pennies, cardboard scrabs, chalk, or gum picked up Elf-style off the sidewalks.
Traditional Resolution #2 Quit Smoking
Minimum Effort Resolution: Quit Smoking…Crack
Old habits die hard, but why should fun habits have to die at all? There’s no reason to give up something that makes you happy, and smoking a mood-altering substance every once in awhile is basically harmless. So instead of resolving to give up cigarettes (or the other kind of cigarettes) in 2011, make a resolution to stop hitting the crack pipe. With just a little willpower, I’ll bet you can stick to it.
Traditional Resolution #3: Spend More Time with Family
Minimum Effort Resolution: Spend More Time with your Sims Family
Unlike your real family, your Sims family never complains that you don’t call them enough, or forces you to take an embarrassing Christmas card photo in matching outfits. No, they just quietly obey everything you tell them to do and occasionally cry when you don’t feed them. So this year, resolve to spend more time playing Sims.
Traditional Resolution #4: Get Better Grades
Minimum Effort Resolution: Get Better Professors
Your GPA has fallen harder than a freshman girl in heels on a patch of ice. You’re starting to think maybe you should start staying in to study and actually showing up to class. But it’s impossible to ignore the scientific formula for graduation: C’s Get Degrees. In the words of a certain super senior I know, “Why rock the boat when you’re stayin’ afloat?” Instead of trying harder, resolve to create a dream-team fantasy lineup of professors for next semester. It will be a lot easier to succeed if your teacher is a 25-year-old grad student whose lesson plan involves a lot of YouTube clips.
Traditional Resolution #5: Read More
Minimum Effort Resolution: Read More Warning Labels
Who has time to work on improving your mind when you’re busy destroying your brain cells? Instead to trying to force yourself to slog through some great American novel, start reading something way more useful: warning labels. Think of all the mistakes you could have avoided just by taking a peek at the fine print under the skull and crossbones. For example, I would never have allowed my boyfriend to put my Ugg boot in the microwave (“so it will be more comfortable”), or taken Vicodin right before a pub crawl.
