Week Four of the NFL marked two important events: The last week before the unrepentant hell of bye weeks begins and Breast Cancer Awareness week. For one second here I’ll be serious and say that this is one of the better things done in any professional sport. It isn’t overwhelmingly self-congratulating like some charity sports events tend to be; it’s just a subtle touch of pink here and there. Well, done NFL. On to the recap:
Bengals 23, Bills 20
This does not surprise me in the least. The Bills were bound to come back down to earth soon, so they might as well do it now. It’s actually pretty exciting to think about the ways that the Bills can spectacularly piss away the season. A five pick game? A career ending injury? Snow related fumbles? The possibilities are endless in the land of disappointment that is Buffalo, NY.
Titans 31, Browns 13
What’s Matt Hasselbeck’s secret to reverse the curse of aging? I, for one, believe he’s been performing secret back alley abortions in Memphis and then eating the fetuses to gain their power. I just don’t trust bald men.
Bears 34, Panthers 29
Damn, Jay Cutler is frickin terrible. Good thing he had Forte and Hester there to save his ass and pick up the W for Chicago. Speaking of Forte, he looked incredible again and reminded people everywhere of how badly he fudgeed their fantasy team two years in a row. Good job, butt.
Lions 34, Cowboys 30
While Buffalo was proven to be a false idol, Detroit continues to impress. More importantly, Tony Romo’s beard looks horrible. It was also great to see that dickhead struggle, his suffering is so rewarding to spiteful people like myself.
Redskins 17, Rams 10
Remember how everyone thought the Rams would be a surprise playoff team this year? Yeah, me neither. Sam Bradford looked a lot like Jay Cutler in this game; that is to say he spent most of the game in the fetal position after being sacked.
49ers 24, Eagles 23
People are freaking out about the supposedly all-star caliber Eagles struggling so mightily. Asomugha is being labeled a bust, Andy Reid is suddenly back on the extra large hot seat and Michael Vick has started drowning his sorrows with the secret gallons of dog blood he has stored away in a warehouse in east Philadelphia. Or so I assume.
Saints 23, Jaguars 10
Oof. The Jaguars play football like little kids draw. You know what they’re trying to do because they explain it to you, but in the end that scribble isn’t a dog, son. And that’s why daddy hits you.
Chiefs 22, Vikings 17
Instead of watching this game, I just watched the “Cripple Fight” episode of South Park. I didn’t notice the difference until I figured out that Jimmy Valmer isn’t Donovan McNabb.
Texans 17, Steelers 10
After the game when Ben Roethlisberger was asked about how his foot injury would affect him, he said “I’m not too worried, it’s not my rapin’ foot. Oh, were you asking about how it affects the Steelers?” Then he raped three reporters.
Falcons 30, Seahawks 28
The Falcons hold on for the W, but I wouldn’t be too happy if I were them. You only beat the Seahawks by two? That’s like kissing your retarded, paraplegic sister.
Giants 31, Cardinals 27
Wow. Hats off to young Elijah, he played quite the game. I’ll always have a soft spot for the less fetus-y Manning because of Super Bowl XLII so it’s great to see him play like that again. Really the takeaway message from this game is once you’ve royally fudgeed the Patriots, you’re a football God forever.
Chargers 26, Dolphins 16
Goddamn the Dolphins suck. If they go 0-16, will the ’72 Dolphins celebrate the irony or mourn it?
Packers 49, Broncos 23
If Tim Tebow loves God so frickin much, why doesn’t he reach his hand down and help the Denver actually make a stop on defense? Probably because Tebow secretly has a rape dungeon in his home. Well, I guess it’s not a secret anymore.
Patriots 31, Raiders 19
Despite being a Broncos fan, I actually found myself pulling for Oakland to get the upset in this game. I’m going to name this phenomenon the “Belichick Conundrum.” It describes what happens when the two teams playing a sporting event are both so utterly unlikeable you actually find yourself rooting for the earth to open up beneath the stadium and suck it into the nether regions of hell.
Ravens 34, Jets 17
Mark Sanchez is definitely a horrible QB. I used to think he had the potential to be mediocre, especially on a team with as much talent as the Jets. I give him one more season before Rex Ryan calls the minutemen and has Sanchez’s ass deported the stuff back to Mexico. Don’t ask me how Ryan will deport a US citizen, but I’m sure he’ll figure out a way.
Monday Night: Colts vs. Buccaneers
Once again, we the football-watching fans of America get fudgeed by the absence of flex scheduling at the beginning of the season and we have to watch Curtis Painter play “football.” Or we could watch baseball, but let’s be honest here, we’d all rather watch the Bucs sack Painter’s incompetent ass than a bunch of white guys stand around for three or four hours.
