Week 3 of the NFL is in the books, save for tonight’s NFC east duel that pits Tony room and his Vaqueros (it is Hispanic Heritages Month) against Sexy Rexy Grossman and his Sex Cannon. It was a thrilling week, and I know I’m not alone in saying that if the rest of the season is as good as this, the lockout was worth it. Wait, what? Anyways, onto the recap:
Saints 40, Texans 33
Just as everyone expected, this game was not a shootout. Not literally, of course, because Randall Gay isn’t on the Saints anymore.
Giants 29, Eagles 16
After this week’s game, Mike Vick has been complaining about not getting calls from refs. Said Vick, “You look at all the replays, I’m on the ground every time. It’s unfortunate for myself, it’s unfortunate for my team, and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t frustrated right now because of that.” Well, Michael, you know else probably felt they were being treated unfairly? ALL THE DOGS YOU FUCKING MURDERED, YOU FUCKING DOG MURDERER.
Bills 34, Patriots 31
This game could not have been better. The only problem was the late pass interference call on Sergio Brown that put the Bills on the one for a game-tying touchdown. Every single Neanderthal Pats bandwagon-hopper is bitching right now that they should’ve won but the refs robbed them. I can practically hear them now: “THIS IS WORSE THAN SUPAH BOWL 42 WHEN THE REFS HANDED THE GAME TO THAT MANNING! AND THE SAWX AH ONLY ONE GAME UP IN THE WILD CAHD! TRULY NO OTHAH FAN KNOWS THE IMMENSE SUFFERING OF THE GREAT RED SAWX NATION!”
Titans 17, Broncos 14
In 2007, while still at the University of Florida, Tim Tebow was at a local YMCA performing free circumcisions in the boys’ locker room. Midway through, exhausted by the duress of touching so many dongs, a starving Tebow realized he had no money for the vending machine. Minutes away from fainting, Tebow began eating the foreskins he had removing all day. He credits this day to his discovery of his strict diet regiment of eating ten foreskins with every meal.
Lions 26, Vikings 23
Holy stuff, the Vikings are frickin terrible. Watching the Vikings in the second half felt like watching the rape scene from Pulp Fiction on repeat. As Marcellus Wallace might say, “The Vikings are pretty frickin far from okay.”
49ers 13, Bengals 8
Ugh. What an embarrassment of a football game. I feel bad for the 49ers and Bengals fans that had to pretend to care about this. I’m sorry, I mean I feel bad all the 49ers fans.
Panthers 16, Jaguars 10
Despite throwing for less than 400 yards for the first time in his career, Cam Newton nonetheless got his first W. Unfortunately for the Panthers, they can’t play teams with quarterbacks named Blaine all year. Expect a long season, Cameron.
Browns 17, Dolphins 16
Much like the 49ers game, this game was like watching old people fudge: Slow, sloppy and everyone involved is just waiting for it to end.
Ravens 37, Rams 7
Remember when everyone thought the Rams were about to have a breakout year? Woof. They were treated worse in this game than a small white guy in jail.
Chargers 20, Chiefs 17
In this game, Philip Rivers showed us how he can somehow lose even when he wins. For a team that should be a shoo-in in a weak division, the Chargers have looked aggressively mediocre this season. Maybe Rivers just needs to pray harder.
Raiders 34, Jets 24
Rex Ryan’s face was priceless during this game. I think he was so angry at his team’s play he might have actually gotten a rage boner at some point during the fourth quarter. Good job by the Raiders, though. With the Chargers stumbling, watch out for them to steal this division away. Shouldn’t be too hard, 8-8 will probably be good enough to lose in he first round of the playoffs.
Seahawks 13, Cardinals 10
The teams of the AFC west owe a huge thank you to the NFC west. If not for their breed of talentless, plodding, mistake-ridden football, the AFC west would be the worst division in the league. Hats off to you, NFC west, you saw the challenge to your throne of suckitude and you stepped down your game appropriately. No one will suck harder than you!
Buccaneers 16, Falcons 13
This was a game of almosts for Matt Ryan. Almost scored at the end of the half, but threw it to Ronde Barber instead. Almost lead the 4th quarter comeback, but couldn’t seal the deal. Almost pleasured a woman, but couldn’t get it up. That last one may not actually be true, but Ryan just gives off that vibe that he probably has erectile dysfunction.
Packers 27, Bears 17
There’s the Matt Forte we all know and despise for royally frickin our fantasy team. Nine carries for two yards, 80 receiving yards and no TD’s? Yep, sounds about right.
Steelers 23, Colts 20
Embarrassing win for the Steelers. Curtis Painter was under center for the Colts and Pittsburgh still only won by three. Mike Tomlin must be pissed that his team didn’t get to put more of a beating on notorious racist Kerry Collins, but he’ll have to be satisfied with his team’s mediocre win.
Monday Night: Cowboys 18, Redskins 16
Jaws, Gruden and Tirico spent all of Monday night with the head of Tony Romo’s willy lodged in their throats just past the uvula with his balls gripped gently in their hands. Get off it, ESPN. Romo played a mediocre game at best. If it had been almost any other QB they would’ve been trashing him for not being able to get the ball in the endzone. But it’s AMERICA’S TEAM’S AMERICAN QUARTERBACK AMERICA, so six field goals constitute a brilliant performance.
