In a huge win for people who don’t want to be a father (like myself), Shippensburg University in Pennsylvania has begun selling Plan B in a Vending Machine. That’s right, that awkward moment when you have to go with your girl to wait on a line at your nearest Pharmacy is over, now you just gotta take a stroll over to a vending machine and pretend that you’re getting another bag of Fritos. According to The Huffington Post, it’s $25 and it was only implemented because 85% of the students that responded to the survey supported the idea. But with the addition of Plan B, pregnancy tests, and condoms to vending machines, this got me to thinking…what other things should they sell in dorm vending machines?
1) Dutches
Okay, so maybe weed is still illegal (in most states), but let’s not get into the logistics of legality right now. Let’s just focus on the sheer awesomeness of walking down the hallway to grab yourself a dutch. No more having to go to the store to buy a cigar. Imagine that you just broke your bowl, and now you’re stuck with no smoking apparatus, no car, and no hope. How about a nice 30-second trip down to the first floor?
2) Red Solo Cups and Pong Balls
I can’t even count how many times I’ve been at a party where some douchebag forgets to bring the cups and balls for beer pong. That, or every cup stinks of stale old beer and all of the balls are covered in hair and dust. How are we supposed to settle our pong disputes without regulation cups and pong balls? Well, this would solve that completely.
3) Febreze
Oh Febreze, the only way I know how to clean my dorm room. We all know those moments of horror: You remember that the RA is making rounds right after you just baked out your room, you realize your parents are coming in, or your room smells like hot, nasty sex, and your girlfriend is getting back into town in an hour. Actually, I need to run and get some Febreze right now.
4) Bacon
Oh bacon. Sweet, sweet bacon. There’s nothing greater in the morning than a few strips of some fantastic, crispy bacon. But the hassle of cooking that bacon is the real problem. If they have coffee vending machines and soup vending machines, they can certainly whip together a vending machine that pumps out freshly cooked bacon 24-hours a day. I, for one, would buy so much bacon that I would make a helmet like the one pictured above.
5) Video Game Controllers
So a bunch of your bros come over to play some COD, and you realize that you only brought one controller from home. You can’t just take turns playing online, that’s not fun or good bromanship. A quick way to get your hands on some more controllers will not only help you maintain your cool guy persona, but it’ll help you solve those mid-day arguments about who could kill the most zombie Nazis before class.
