Every Monday we’ll post up the previews of a few socialite approved movies coming out later in the week. We’ll break them down, tell you everything you need to know, and then give them a final grade. Welcome to the Trailer Report.
Safe House
Director: Daniel Espinosa
Stars: Denzel Washington, Ryan Reynolds
Plot: A young CIA agent (Reynolds) is tasked with looking after a fugitive (Washington) in a safe house. But when the safe house is attacked, he finds himself on the run with his charge.
Our Take: This movie has inarguable star power with ultimate badass Denzel Washington as the fugitive-on-the-run and heartthrob/every man’s hero Ryan Reynolds as the innocent young CIA agent trying to find the truth. Judging from the trailer, this flick doesn’t lack action-driven car chases or violent gunfights, so that’s another plus. On top of all that, you get the suspenseful plot of a mystery-thriller.
Stoner Appeal: 2.8 – Pot smokers get a boner for Denzel. Fact.
Wood Factor: 0.7 – We’re not even sure if there are any women in this movie, let alone sexy, half naked ones.
Explosions: 4.0 – Tons of them. The whole preview is jam packed with guns, flipping cars, and general violence.
Soundtrack: 3.2 – Jay-Z and Frank Ocean’s “No Church In The Wild” right in the preview? We’re interested.
Cool Story, Bro?: 3.5 – A rogue agent and a desk jockey go fugitive in this hard-hitting conspiracy tale. What’s not to like?
Final Grade: 2.84
Rampart
Director: Oren Moverman
Stars: Woody Harrelson, Ben Foster, Sigourney Weaver, Robin Wright
Plot: Set in 1999 Los Angeles, veteran police officer Dave Brown, the last of the renegade cops, works to take care of his family, and struggles for his own survival.
Our Take: Woody Harrelson is famous for roles in comedies like White Men Can’t Jump and Kingpin, so it kinda makes it hard to take him seriously. Then again, he was also totally badass in Natural Born Killers, and we dig that kind of versatility. He also earned an Oscar nod for The Messenger, another film with director and Oscar nominee Oren Moverman at the helm.
Stoner Appeal: 3.3 – There’s nothing greenies love more than Woody Harrelson and watching other people get owned by the long arm of the law.
Wood Factor: 1.8 – Though way past her prime, we still consider Robin Wright to be some righteous aged wood. Anne Heche has her moments, more specifically in HBO’s Hung. Sigourney Weaver and Cynthia Nixon? Ehh, not so much.
Explosions: 3.5 – So there aren’t any actual explosions to speak of (in the preview), but there’s enough senseless, deplorable violence to warrant a nice high score here. Plus Woody Harrelson screaming and acting all crazy.
Soundtrack: 2.1 – Hard rocking heavy metal seems only fitting for a film that’s all racism, anger, and violence. Not a killer soundtrack, but definitely does its job.
Cool Story, Bro?: 3.7 – This is some real ish. Corrupt cops were all over the place back in 1999, and still are today.
Final Grade: 2.88
Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace 3D
Director: George Lucas
Stars: Ewan McGregor, Liam Neeson, Natalie Portman
Plot: Two Jedi Knights uncover a wider conflict when they are sent as emissaries to the blockaded planet Naboo.
Our Take: George Lucas is the most evil man on the face of planet Earth. He insists on continually ruining his own franchises without fail, and this specific episode of Star Wars is the most epic brown stain of all. Now you can experience Anakin Skywalker as a child and Jar Jar Binks in terribly reworked 3D!
Stoner Appeal: 4.0 – Because as soon as you take a terrible movie and re-release it in 3D, the stoners come running and giggling to the box office.
Wood Factor: 1.1 – Natalie Portman (without the Amidala makeup). That is all.
Explosions: 2.6 – Yes, there are plenty of explosions, but no one dies because it’s a damned children’s movie. There isn’t even any light bloodshed!
Soundtrack: 3.2 – You can’t fail with legendary composer John Williams working the strings. “Duel of the Fates” is still one of the most epic action sequence anthems of all time, not to mention all of the original Star Wars tunes.
Cool Story, Bro?: 0.1 – No one ever wanted to see Anakin Skywalker (AKA Darth Vader) prance around as a slave child getting in all sorts of pod racing hi-jinx. Epic story fail.
Final Grade: 2.2
