After reading BJ Conundrum’s list of a Perfect Woman, I decided it would be downright out of character if I didn’t have some kind of a retort. While it was indeed a humorous list due to its complete ridiculousness, I needed to described the so-called perfect guy so I could rest just a bit easier. Read the list after the jump.
1. Change the frickin toilet paper – it’s done.
2. Have chiseled abs. Is that so much to ask?
3. To the obvious so-called gentleman who told me to “be a lady and stop cursing like a sailor,” go fudge yourself.
4. Don’t ask me what’s wrong when I’m upset, and just start dishing out advice, no one asked you.
5. When I tell you what’s wrong, don’t keep INTERRUPTING me in an attempt to give me advice. Girls like to vent, not just be told what to do.
6. NEVER, and I mean NEVER, call me “woman.”
7. Don’t use massive amounts of cologne, it’s hard to breathe around you when you do.
8. When you text me, have something to say.
9. If we’re flirting via text, don’t just respond with “lol.” Like, should I say something else? Or just leave the conversation at that…? I clearly texted you to talk, don’t cut it off with “lol” unless you don’t want me to text you anymore.
10. Always smell good. Always.
11. Don’t be upset when you go down on me and I don’t return the favor… Shit happens.
12. The reasoning behind number 11: If you’re more willing to please, you’re more likely to receive in the long run.
13. Use caution with the 3-day rule. Sometimes it’s best to just text the next day.
14. Never say “Stop PMSing.” Not all of us are bitches on our periods.
15. Periods happen. And you’ll be grateful for this for two reasons: 1. If you want kids, this is how nature lets that eventually happen. And 2. It shows you we aren’t pregnant. Something you’ll like when we have a scare.
16. Girls poop. Deal with it.
17. Know how to do your own laundry. Not to say when we’re married I won’t do it for you, but know how to do it.
18. Know how to cook at least one delicious meal. You can last years only knowing how to cook one.
19. Allow me to be independent. Accept I don’t NEED a man, but I like having one around. And right now, that guy happens to be you.
20. Never be an butt just because I’m potentially more successful than you are.
21. Be good to my friends. I don’t care if you like them or not. They don’t like you either.
22. Let me bitch about my friends, or I’m not touching you in any way, shape, or form later on.
23. Have my back. If you see someone bitching at me, man up and stick up for me.
24. Clean your dick. No one here likes smegma.
25. Be grateful I’m letting you penetrate me at all.
26. If you don’t want me to be embarrassed of you in public, then stop being a frickin loser.
27. Stop acting like you’re hot stuff, BJ Conundrum,
28. Um, brush your teeth or have gum handy at all times. I’m not kissing that mouth of yours.
29. Keep your hair down south tamed. No one wants to floss while doing the job.
30. Bottom line: Stop acting like you’re hot stuff, BJ Conundrum. The girl you described is a passive, timid bitch who no guy wants. So man up and be with a real woman. But that woman will not be me. Ha.
