Snooki, the arguable star of “The Jersey Shore,” has stolen our hearts and has become all of our guilty pleasures. She’s a character (a real person, actually, if you can believe it) that has been spoken (and blogged) about thousands of times. Clearly, there is something about her that keeps us all interested. Few people know this, but Snooki is not only the center of a cultural phenomenon…she is actually at the center of everything—much like Hal from 2001: A Space Odyssey. I did some digging and learned five things about the tiny lady that are guaranteed to shock you (whether you believe these “facts” is on you).
Snooki Movie Fact 1: She Defies Physics
Basic mathematics dictates that the formula for density is D=m/v. For you less intelligent people, this means that density equals mass over volume. Everything in the galaxy has a density, as well as a mass and a volume—everything except for Snooki. Snooki, at least according to Steven Hawking, is made of a combination of nightmares, indescribable hunger, the soul and spirit of John Candy, and raw unabashed AIDS virus. Snooki, amazingly, is as buoyant as a piece of wood in the ocean, which I attribute to her bones—which are made out of inedible packing peanuts. She is actually the raft that Tom Hanks uses to escape the island in Castaway. Also, contrary to the fun fact that they teach you in elementary school, a 100 lb bag of Snooki is actually heavier than a 100 pound bag of feathers or rocks (and also a lot more fun to punch in the face at a bar).
Snooki Fun Fact 2: Snooki is Half Hobbit, Half Ent
Those of you who are virgins are pretty pumped about this probably. Snooki Snookerson is actually a creature from the continent of Middle Earth. Her father, John Snookerson, is both a hobbit and a cobbler. Her mother, Treemond Freeman, is an Ent (a giant talking tree that enjoys heavy drinking) and an insurance saleswoman. Her parents met at Tufts in the seventies and hit it off instantly. They were married during their senior year, and a few years later Treemond pumped out the muddy hillock of sin spawn who we love to laugh at while we sit at home watching “The Jersey Shore.”
Snookie Fun Fact 3: She’s What’s in the Box in Se7en
When I heard this fact, I couldn’t believe it. Snooki is the mystery object in the box at the end of Se7en. I know what you’re thinking…and you’re wrong you uneducated bastard. It wasn’t Gwenyth Paltrow’s head like the director led you to believe, it was Snooki. She scared Brad Pitt so much, that he killed Kevin Spacey for ever introducing him to such a creature. What was Snooki actually doing inside the box? Well, we can’t be sure, but David Fincher hinted that Snooki may have been connected to the hooker who was killed for “Lust.”
Snooki Fun Fact 4: Nostradamus Predicted Her Existence A Billion Years Ago
Nostradamus has been credited with predicting most of the world’s most infamous tragedies and events. World War II, The French Revolution, Super Man IV: Quest for Peace—he’s predicted it all, and he’s always been 100% correct without debate or question. His predictions would come to him in a form of quatrains, that when analyzed, have and had the power to tell the future. Here is an excerpt of what Nostradamus wrote about Snooki:
“A tiny one smelling of farts will come from the realm. The weight of the world will want to uphold her. But it will be unable to bear her great burden. And we will all feel greasy and sloppy after watching it make out with bros.”
Snooki Fun Fact 5: Come on…You’ve Thought About Fucking Her
Abraham Lincoln once said that the four most important words our country will ever know are, “Fuck bitches, Get Money.” And may I say, he was absolutely right. It would be un-American to not think about penetrating Snooki with your penis on a Sunday afternoon, or at least during a “Law & Order: SVU” marathon or some stuff like that. Let’s face it, she’s probably a girl, which means she probably has a vagina. Most of us don’t have sex regularly enough to complain about a vagina, regardless of the fact that it smells like finger paint and pigeon droppings. A hole is a hole is a hole. Sure it would probably be kind of weird to fudge someone the size of your little brother (again), but you would probably cum at the end of it and you would have a story to tell your therapist.
Also, let’s say she queefed on your willy and decides she wants to get married. It really wouldn’t be the end of the world since you would get to do all kinds of awesome stuff. You get to go to the MTV Movie Awards, get the chance to munch Taylor Swift’s box right after eating Beyonce’s….kind of the life right there. You also now have tons of money to spend on classy prostitutes and blow, and plus, we all know Snooki will let you do her up the butt. It might actually be a pretty awesome life…aside from all the STDs you’re guaranteed to get.
