You’re probably all wondering why a girl is blowing up a site meant for Bros, but man are you in for a surprise. I promise not to kill your Morning Wood with all of my pink cotton candy girly bullshiz, even though it’s certainly in there. I may wear dresses and heels, but I think like a guy. I like football and “Family Guy” more than “Keeping Up With The Kardashians.” I could probably kick your ass in Madden or drinking and driving a Mario Kart, and I love eating burgers more than the average human being ever should.
I’m not here to tell you that boys are stupid and we should throw rocks at them – even though some of you may deserve it – I’m simply here to help those of you “female challenged” boys start Mackin like Apple. Sound good? Then listen up boys because I’m about to rock your world because there are simple things you can do to severely increase your chances of Getting It In.
DO: Get Yourself an Ugly Ass Sweater
Deck the halls with kegs and handles,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Tis the season to get hammered,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Don we now horrid apparel,
Fa la la, la la la, la la la.
You can thank your Grandma Carol,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
You’re probably thinking that the holiday season is no different from any other drinking season, but that’s where you’re wrong. It’s the most wonderful time of the year: ugly sweater parties! This is the fabulous time where you can raid Goodwill or your Mom’s closets to find the most atrocious, heinous sweaters ever made and get wasted wearing them – the more reindeers, tassles and bells the better. I’m sad to say that my own mother happily wears a sweater with a flamingo in a Santa hat. Or go ahead and check out your own closet. Your Grammy would probably have a heart attack knowing that the “beautiful” sweater she spent hours knitting you is now your outfit for a fugly sweater party, but whatevs. Be sure to take a shot in her honor. Invite all your friends to celebrate Chrismahannakwanzaka with you while looking like complete butts – I don’t hate it.
DO: Get Your Ass to the Gym
Go lift things up and put them down. Why should girls have to be the only ones expected to look good? Pump some iron and build up those sexy bods. Girls go ape stuff for big biceps, six packs and of course the “V” muscle. If you can get yourself a nice V right below your abs then I’ll straight up marry you right now. However, I’m not condoning being a total gorilla juicehead. Besides, we all know what part of their bodies they’re compensating for right? Too bad you can’t GIN with a big bicep. But seriously, no girl likes when her man is smaller than she is – it’s just creepy.
The gym is also a fabulous place to hit on girls. If a girl’s been going ham on the elliptical for the last hour and a hot guy comes up and asks for her number there’s no way she can say no. If a guy were into me when I I’m sweaty mess I’d say yes in a heartbeat.
DON’T: Let a Girl Do the Walk of Shame
Nothing is worse for a girl than waking up in some guy’s bed the next morning and remembering that she lives on the complete other side of campus. Conveniently all of her friends’ phones are off and she’s wearing a tight red dress and heels. FHL (fudge her life) right? Wrong. This is where you boys should swoop in, jingle your keys and offer her a ride home. You might as well be escorting the chick home on a magic carpet or white horse with the humiliation that you just prevented. If you’re lucky maybe you’ll even get some thank you sex out of the equation.
But, if you really suck that much and don’t have a car to use or don’t feel like joining her on her lovely stroll across campus, then for the love of God give her a damn sweatshirt – it’s getting cold and I’m pretty sure you owe her for your unfortunate case of whiskey dick last night. Sucks to suck. I’d stock up on shacker attire if I were you because chances are, you can kiss that girl and especially that hoodie goodbye.
DON’T: Ask a Girl if She’s PMSing
Never ever ask those three awful words: “are you PMSing?” Chances are the bitch probably is, but are you trying to get your ass beat? Have fun lying in that really uncomfortable bed you just made yourself. Now you’ve brought on potential waterworks and you’ll have to apologize your ass off and/or spend your life savings on froyo until she forgives you. Call me a goddess or your new best friend because I made you all a list of some alternative three-word sentences to try out when you think your girl has transformed into an emotional tyrant. Instead of using those taboo three words try: I love you, you’re the best, you’re always right, want to fudge cuddle/snuggle?, want a massage?, want some froyo/chocolate?, I’m so sorry, you look beautiful/amazing/pretty/cute, etc. I just saved you from hours of endless bitching, my friend – you’re welcome.
