They arrive on campus in September fresh out of high school, rosy-cheeked and full of dreams. But that was then. By Thanksgiving break, these once-innocent freshmen aren’t so fresh anymore. What changed? These are the major first-semester milestones that mark their corruption.
1. Ditching the Lanyard
At orientation, the young’ns are told how important it is to have your keys and ID on you at all times, and are given a cheap standard-issue lanyard in the school’s colors. Excitedly, they attach everything they own to this lanyard and proudly wear it around their neck for a few weeks, before A. They realize how dweeby and freshman-like it is, or B. An intoxicated upperclassman yanks them by their lanyard as if it’s a leash and tries to take them for a walk.
2. First Real Hangover
For the first week of college, most freshmen pre-game on wine coolers and earnestness, then have a few cups of watery beer at a basement party and think they’re “sooo wasted!” Then they wake up the next morning with a little headache and think they’re re-enacting The Hangover.
But then comes the night they get their first real college hangover, which they discover is more like a re-enactment of The Exorcist and definitely not hilarious. Too sick even to post Texts From Last Night on their friends’ Facebook walls, they will stay in bed all day ralphing and vowing to be more cautious next weekend. But we know they won’t.
3. First Random Hookup
After finally breaking up with their high school sweethearts, freshmen are ready for some random, drunken lovin’ like they’ve seen in every movie ever about college. Girls start showing up to weekend brunch at the dining halls proudly sporting XXL men’s clothing. Guys start to think they’re Tucker Max because they made out with some girl in line for the bar.
Problem: 19- and 20-year-olds are not movie stars.
Freshman guys realize this after that girl from the bar starts stalking him and sending him thousands of X and O-filled texts. Freshman girls realize this only after a massive snoring basketball player falls asleep on top of them and traps them, his drool dripping onto their forehead for hours like Chinese water torture.
4. Hating Your Roommate
It happens to everyone. “Ohmygosh, we’re gonna be BEST friends!” freshman roommates squeal during the first few weeks of school. And they are. They eat all their meals in the dining hall together, they go to the same parties, they borrow each other’s clothes. It’s totes adorbs…
And after a few months together in a confined space, they will straight-up want to frickin murder the other one. Guaranteed.
5. First Real All-Nighter
High school all-nighters were more like slumber parties. Your friends were with you and your mom made you hot chocolate to help you stay awake. Flash forward to college and freshmen are in for a nasty surprise when exams roll around. You are all alone in a corner of the library at 4am, so dizzy and strung out on Red Bulls that you actually consider writing the essay in Curlz font to make it longer. After freshmen have gone through a few of these, they will lose that rosy-cheeked enthusiasm for school and become zombie caffeine junkies like the rest of us.
6. Acting Cool
The final stage in a freshman’s evolution is when they start acting cool and jaded now that they’re in college.
But we know they still have that lanyard tucked away in their backpack somewhere.
