Congratulations. You have decided to take the first step to becoming a healthier, sexier you by going to your college’s gym. There is, however, something you college students should know before entering the wonderful world of treadmills, bicycles, and that weird thigh machine that requires you to slowly open and close your legs; you won’t be the only person in that gym. Oh, no. You will be sharing it with a few interesting characters. Characters whom you must brace yourself for prior to your journey into the recreational center. Don’t let this list of university gym-dweller personalities scare you away… but a little fear is more than slightly justified.
The Alpha Male
The moment you walk through the doors of your college’s gym, you will immediately spot “the alpha male.” He will be jacked beyond belief, wearing a t-shirt with its sleeves torn off so that as much flesh as possible will be visible to others. Unbeknownst to him, this also allows passersby to see the extraordinary amount of bacne he has acquired from his years of steroid usage. You can find him chugging a neon colored protein drink out of a milk carton after every set. WARNING: DO NOT APPROACH.
The Grunter
This overaggressive fellow lives at the gym. If you go to the gym in the morning, he will be there. If you swing by for a bit in the evening, somehow, he’ll still be there. Likely on the same machine he was on twelve hours before. He is not as muscular as “the alpha male” (not for lack of trying… his gene pool was simply not as kind), so he finds it necessary to assure others of his supreme masculinity by grunting as loud as possible every time he lifts a weight. The sad, yet amusing fact is that even though he lives and breathes working out… he isn’t really that strong. Feel free to observe – from a safe distance – as he intensely grunts whilst lifting 20 lb handweights.
The Homoerotic Workout Buddies
These guys are harmless, but you really should prepare yourself for them before you try bench pressing. Otherwise, you will be in danger of painfully dropping the bar on your chest due to extreme laughter. This amusing frat duo is oblivious to their obnoxious bromancing. “Oh yeah, your biceps look SO GOOD, bro! Damn!” “One more, come on baby, right there, yeah! YEAH!” Just be prepared.
The Narcissist
The narcissist is definitely the easiest to spot, since he will never be farther than two feet from the mirrors in your gym at any time. If there are no mirrors, he can be found in front of a window, lovingly staring at his own jacked reflection. You will never actually see him exercise. Ever. He just goes to the gym to watch himself flex. It’s not even his way of trying to impress anybody. He just really, really likes the way he looks in that wifebeater.
The Pervert
This is the one you have to look out for. The aforementioned machine that girls use to tone their thighs? The one where they have to repeatedly spread their legs? “The pervert” uses whatever machines are closest to that one and openly stares at the poor, innocent girls who use it. If no females are brave enough to approach his favorite machine, he will scan the gym for its finest specimen and inform the poor girl she is not using whatever machine she is on correctly. He will proceed to pull her off of her machine, and demonstrate the proper way to use it, hoping to impress her.
“That” Girl
There’s always that one girl who goes to the gym trying to meet guys. You can find her wearing pink sweatpants with some word written across her butt, and a sports bra. She’s got great abs, perfect fake breasts, and a poof that would even impress Snooki. Unfortunately, she was cursed with an ass-ugly face not even make-up can hide. “That” girl goes up to every juiced-up gorilla in the gym and asks them to flex for her, and then giggles uncontrollably. She always walks into the gym alone, but never walks out alone. Unfortunately for her unknowing guido suitors… she has gonorrhea.
