- “Necco Wafers? WTF!?”
The free candy angle of Halloween is one of the best. What other day of the year can you go door-to-door with a mask on and threaten people to give you free stuff? But there are some Halloween treats that just plain suck: here are the top ten worst treats so nasty they make you want to reach for the eggs.
1. Milk Duds
Growing up, these chewy little chocolates were to me what the Red Ryder BB Gun was to the kid in A Christmas Story. My mom told me they would rip my fillings out, so my siblings and I were forbidden to eat them. But I was curious—what does a “dud” taste like? Would it really be milky? Finally, curiosity got the best of me one year and I stuffed a mini box of Milk Duds in my seven-year-old mouth, only to end up doubled over in pain in the dentist’s office with what was essentially chocolate Silly Putty glued to my mangled fillings. Ah, memories.
2. Pixy Sticks
The cocaine of the candy world, these sticks of colorful sugar are the closest thing a six-year-old can get to getting high. Their name even sounds a little like street slang for a drug. And the kids who love Pixy Sticks are the hardened cokeheads of trick-or-treaters, who just want a quick way to keep that sugar rush going between houses, no time to waste chewing on a Reese’s cup.
And what bothers me most is that Pixy Sticks really shouldn’t even be called candy—they’re just candy’s essential element sifted out and poured in a plastic tube. It’s like if someone stuffed raw ground beef in a tube and called it a hamburger. I don’t think so.
3. Toothbrush
- Thanks a lot
There was a dentist in our neighborhood that would always pass out plastic toothbrushes with his company name on them to trick-or-treaters. He probably thought this was a good marketing opportunity. However, not only did we kids despise this so-called “treat”, it’s a terrible way for dentists to bring in business. Wouldn’t it make more sense for them to give out something to destroy the teeth of potential customers? If they were really smart, all dentists would stock their waiting rooms with chocolates and a pitcher of cola–and hand out Milk Duds on Halloween.
4. Popcorn Balls
When I imagine the invention of popcorn balls, I picture a man eating popcorn with one hand and holding a baseball with the other hand. For whatever reason (maybe he was hopped up on Pixie Stick crack dust) he decided to combine the two and make a whole new food that is actually more functional as a backup Wiffle ball than an edible Halloween treat.
5. Spicy Gum Drops
Ew. Just ew. Is there actually anyone in the universe who doesn’t suffer from some degenerating taste bud disease that enjoys these things? They taste like licking a Christmas tree.
6. Candy Corn*
*My editor suggested I add candy corn to this list, but I just can’t bring myself to do it without an asterix. I don’t care what anyone says; these little waxy triangles are delicious. Who cares if they don’t look like corn? So what if they sort of have the texture of a candle? They are hated by many, but I think it’s a crying shame they aren’t sold year-round.
7. Necco Wafers
These quarter-sized, chalky disks were obviously made for the sole purpose of inserting into vending machines. Since they weren’t invented by anyone that likes candy, I wouldn’t be surprised if their progenitor was a member of some national vending-machine-crime syndicate.
8. Pennies
- Thanks, I’ll put it towards my college fund.
Obviously whoever doles these out hasn’t turned on the news in a few decades. With the way our economy is going, the Mars Bar will soon surpass the value of the American dollar; in a few short years we’ll probably be buying and trading with M&M’s, rendering the penny completely useless both as a Halloween sweet treat and as currency.
9. Orange-Flavored Tootsie Pops
It’s a well known fact that the flavor of orange Tootsie Roll Pops is one of the most odious to the human palate, lagging just behind nail polish remover and just ahead of ass. How many licks does it take to get to the center? I don’t even want to know.
10. Werther’s Original
Unless you’re approaching retirement age, there is no way you’re going to enjoy these. They’re weird, oddly flavorless butterscotch candies that come in several different sugar-free flavors. I don’t know any little kids who like oatmeal or The Price is Right, and I don’t know any kids that like these, either.
Got any more suggestions for lame treats? Send ’em my way!
